Maddy Tedesco, right, allegedly held top secret discussions with her friends about boys, her mother claims

PUEBLO, Colo — A birthday party for Maddy Tedesco, 10, was allegedly focused on top-secret talks about boys, sources told the Tedesco Times today.

“I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard,” Maddy’s mother, Caitlin, told reporters at a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The secret talks allegedly occurred at Maddy’s birthday party, where she and her friends had pillow fights, swam, and had makeovers at the Marriott.

The identities of the boys discussed in the secret talks were unknown. Maddy’s legal team declined to comment on the matter.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — In a heartbreaking scene at Disneyland today, Cole Ramirez Tedesco was torn between his two best friends forever — astronaut Buzz Lightyear and racing car Lightning McQueen.

Cole in his Buzz Lightyear costume

The conflict sparked a tense standoff between Lightyear and McQueen, who sources say have frequently competed for Cole’s attention at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco in Denver, Colo. McQueen’s corporate sponsor, Rust-eze, threatened to drop its sponsorship unless the dispute was settled.

The tension worsened when Cole’s sisters, Gigi and Lili, announced they wanted to be friends not only with Lightyear and McQueen, but also with a pale, sleepy woman sources identified as Snow White, and various unnamed Disney princesses.

“It was a freakin’ soap opera,” an exasperated Georgia announced.

Click here for more cool pictures of the trip to Disneyland.

SAN ANTONIO — You can now follow every scandal in the Tedesco family by joining the fan page of the Tedesco Times on Facebook.

“Our readers have an insatiable appetite for stories about what, exactly, the Tedescos have screwed up lately,” said John Tedesco, editor in chief of the muckraking blog that tracks the exploits of the Tedesco crime family.

“The new Facebook page tracks every foible. Whether it’s an embarrassing family video, or Kristin bringing down the U.S. economy in the mortgage industry, you can sign on to Facebook and always be in the know.”

The Tedesco Times also has a new commenting system, where users can set up their own profiles and rank comments they like. Unfortunately, it does not allow comments from people in the Witness Protection program, which rules out most Tedescos.

Schools across the country braced for the impact of Mike Tedesco’s new tell-all book, “City Boy,” which could cause thousands of college students in the urban-planning field to rethink their majors.

“Dude, like, from what I hear, urban-planning totally sucks,” said grad student Brandon Frasier, who is working towards his masters in urban planning at the University of Kansas.

“City Boy” is about Mike’s early days working as a planner in Colorado. The publisher says of the book:

In the world of municipal politics, truth is stranger than fiction and there is no truth stranger than La Blanca Gente, Colorado. In this striking first book, the author weaves between the anecdotal and the academic to sew a grand comic farce as he unveils the curtain over the tactics employed by government employees to achieve their own ends. Tragic? Absurd? Harrowing? Indeed, and City Boy serves as a lesson on what not to do when confronted by those who are just dumb enough to take you down. Throw your Urban Planning and Public Administration text books out the window because in the world of municipal politics you better be ready for a street fight.

“‘Street fight?’ ‘Harrowing?’ I think I chose the wrong profession,” Frasier said. “Look what happened to Mike.”

The Tedesco baby, 30 years from now

“The ultrasound clearly showed that John and Jennifer are going to have a boy,” said Glenda Hodgkins, the nurse who performed the ultrasound this morning at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio.

“I saw the classic traits of a Tedesco guy: The strong jaw, dreamy eyes, and thick, flowing locks of hair.”

Jen and John's future baby

Hodgkins then tore her eyes from the sonogram photos and fanned her flushed face. “Whew! is it hot in here or what?” she asked no one in particular.

The flustered nurse concluded: “This kid’s testosterone levels are way off the charts. Hot nurses are already asking for his phone number, so they can look him up in 20 years. Clearly, this kid is a Tedesco.”

Paul Tedesco, wishing he were Tiger Woods, tries to hit a golf ball

DENVER — A coalition of Tedesco guys called for drastic changes in the rules of golf to make it resemble the virtual reality of Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox gaming system.

“Honestly, real golf could learn some things from Tiger Woods golf,” Paul Tedesco told reporters at a press conference outside Stoney Creek Golf Course near Denver, where Tedesco guys have lost an estimated $230 worth of golf balls in the past five years.

“For one thing, in Tiger Woods golf, I can drive the ball straight as an arrow, 350 yards every time, while sitting in the comfort of my own home.” Paul said. “I so rock at fake golf it’s not even funny.

“In real life, I usually shank the ball, and then I get thistles in my socks when I spend a half hour in the weeds looking for it,” Paul said with disgust. “I can’t even hit the white button and spin the ball while it’s in the air. What’s up with that?”

Tedesco guys are boycotting the PGA of America until it radically changes the rules that make real golf suck so bad.

DENVER — Local toddler Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, would like to interest you in a subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine for the low-low price of $5.99 a month, Gigi announced in a dinner-time telephone call to relatives today.

Get the latest fashions and catch up on the latest-celebrity gossip, Gigi said during the unsolicited long-distance telephone call that she totally dialed without anyone’s help.

“I can get you a vewy special deal,” Gigi said while in the background her mother, Georgia, expressed outrage that Gigi was using the cell phone again.

How Gigi, who can’t read, was able to figure out the phone numbers of her aunts and uncles could not be ascertained by press time.

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine.

“My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today.

“Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about, without really saying anything of substance.”

Here are Joe’s favorite empty phrases, based on his years of experience in the wine industry, his voracious reading of every issue of Wine Spectator, and studying past press conferences of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara:

“Hmm. I’m getting petroleum on the nose with notes of diesel. Probably unleaded.”

“Woof, that’s a fat cab. Certainly Jenny Craig caliber.”

“Oh man, get a whiff of that napalm.”

“I’m getting acres and acres of earthy loam.”

“This has potential to be grippy, but it needs a few more hours of CPR.”

“Hmm, I’m getting a real fruity zing of strawberries, bananas, coconut … oh crap, this is a pina colada.”

“You can make up your own sayings and post them on the Tedesco Times,” Joe suggested to his loyal fans. “Maybe you’ll be creative as me! But I doubt it.”