“At Build-a-Bear, Tedesco girls are our best friends,” company spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our new best friend is Makenna, who completed our cult-like indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful, hypnotic allure of Build-A-Bear stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Authorities believed Makenna, 2, was too young too join the Build-A-Bear cult. But that all changed one night in Denver, when Makenna’s aunt, Georgia Ramirez, was baby sitting all the Tedesco kids.

“As we all know, Build-A-Bear wouldn’t be where it is today — infiltrating the hearts and minds of millions of cute kids — without Georgia,” Hucksley said. “Her kids have risen rapidly through the ranks of Build-A-Bear — Gigi is already a Grand Poo Bear. So Georgia took them all to the mall so Makenna could drink the Kool-Aid — I mean, enjoy an unforgettable experience at Build-A-Bear.”

As a Class 1 neophyte of the Great Bear, Makenna can now sign up for the company’s virtual training camp, Build-A-Bearsville, which teaches enthralled kids to spend their parents money for years and years.

DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

ITEM! Cousin John and Karuna got married this weekend! Gasp!

Sources close to the jet-setting couple say the ceremony was a beautiful, East-meets-West affair at the Drake Hotel in Chicago.

It wasn’t immediately clear why the Drake allowed Tedescos inside. But according to witnesses, the wedding was an amazing ceremony attended by friends, family, and Joe. Congrats!

ITEM! Britney Spears didn’t marry anyone today …

SAN ANTONIO — The Tedesco family’s pop-culture indoctrination program is enrolling a new student: Baby Pete Tedesco, who at 8 months of age is nearly ready to learn the wisdom of Chris Farley, Vince Vaughn, and other intellectuals who are revered by Tedesco guys.

“Yep, I’d say he’s just about ready,” said Pete’s uncle, Mike Tedesco, during a recent trip to San Antonio, as Pete made cooing sounds in his crib. “Not many people realize that Tedesco guys get their witty sayings from movies like ‘Tommy Boy’ and ‘Swingers.’ It’s what makes us so money. So the sooner Pete learns what ‘Holy Schnike’s’ means, the better.”

Over the years, other Tedesco munchkins, such as Maddy, Lili, and Gigi, have passed the Tedesco indoctrination program with flying colors. At a young age, Maddy was able to announce in a crowded restaurant: “Where are all the honey babies?”

“We were so proud that day when Maddy’s uncles taught her that,” said Maddy’s mother, Caitlin.

Other movies that expand the witty sayings of Tedesco guys include “Top Gun,” “Old School,” “Aliens,” and “The Shining.”

“Ultimately, our goal is for Pete to walk around daycare, curl his index finger, and say ‘Redrum’ in a creepy voice,” said Pete’s mom, Jennifer Hiller. “That’d be so money.”

HOLLYWOOD — Annie Tedesco’s starring role in a funny Bud Light commercial was widely hailed by Tedesco guys as the most awesome thing ever that surpasses everything they’ve ever done in life.

“Dude, she starred in a beer commercial!” Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference as he gave high-fives to other members of the Tedesco clan. “Have you people ever achieved that kind of greatness? Me neither.”

The commercial was a masterpiece of drama and suspense, Tedesco guys said.

“I deeply appreciated the inner battle the heroine faced dealing with her nemesis, the waiter,” Paul Tedesco said. “It reminded me of all the times waiters ignored me at a bar when I was trying to buy cold, frosty Bud Light. Now I know I need to trip those jerk waiters into a glass window.”

What made the commercial so special, her family said, was the challenging role for the actress.

“This commercial proves my sister has awesome acting chops,” her brother, John Gronbeck-Tedesco, announced. “At the beginning of the commercial, she had to act all quiet and shy and reserved. I’m here to tell ya, she really had to dig deep to pull that off.”

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities evacuated a local neighborhood today after an innocent-looking toddler was accused of making freakishly scary pterodactyl noises.

“I saw this cute little boy smiling at me and he was so adorable,” said landscaper Burt Wilson. “Next thing I knew, he was making high-pitched squeals like some kind of Tauntaun out of ‘Empire Strike Back.’ I ran like hell, man.”

Police identified the suspect as 6-month-old Pete “Bird Boy” Tedesco.

“Our S.W.A.T. negotiators were forced to make squawking noises just to communicate with the little tyke,” said Sgt. Harold Wadsworth of the San Antonio Police Department. “He’s probably perfectly harmless. We think.”

Primo and Karuna, his bride to be, who plays poker just as badly as other Tedesco guys

AUSTIN — Item! Super-secret sources have confirmed that John “Primo” Gronbeck-Tedesco is totally off the market, ladies! A little bird told us that Primo asked hottie Karuna to marry him — and she totally said yes!

Gasp!

You might have spotted Primo and Karuna playing Texas Hold ‘Em in San Antonio at the 2009 Jennifer Hiller Poker Invitational on ESPN. Sources say Karuna plays poker just like other Tedescos! Badly!

Primo’s publicist refused to say when the big day is going to be. Tell us soon, Primo!

Item! Britney Spears still crazy ….

WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch.

“Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs $30.”

Officials said Gigi has been honing her telemarketing skills for years, calling relatives on her parents’ cell phone at all hours of the day. They estimate the Tedesco munchkin has grossed $1.2 million in illicit sales from Grandma Jan alone.