Primo and Karuna, his bride to be, who plays poker just as badly as other Tedesco guys

AUSTIN — Item! Super-secret sources have confirmed that John “Primo” Gronbeck-Tedesco is totally off the market, ladies! A little bird told us that Primo asked hottie Karuna Uppal to marry him — and she totally said yes!

Gasp!

You might have spotted Primo and Karuna playing Texas Hold ‘Em in San Antonio at the 2009 Jennifer Hiller Poker Invitational on ESPN. Sources say Karuna plays poker just like other Tedescos! Badly!

Primo’s publicist refused to say when the big day is going to be. Tell us soon, Primo!

Item! Britney Spears still crazy ….

WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch.

“Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs $30.”

Officials said Gigi has been honing her telemarketing skills for years, calling relatives on her parents’ cell phone at all hours of the day. They estimate the Tedesco munchkin has grossed $1.2 million in illicit sales from Grandma Jan alone.

SAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States.

“We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with the U.S. Census Bureau who was assigned to specifically keep track of the Tedesco crime family.

“Somewhere around Gigi and Lili, I got confused and gave up on counting all these cute deviants,” Martin added.

Officials said Pete was born this week with the telltale Tedesco traits: Charming good looks and a devious personality.

“I heard Pete’s parents were changing his diapers at 2 a.m. last night,” Martin said. “And just when they had finished, Pete went wee wee and they had to start all over again. That’s the kind of threat this country faces if the Tedesco population grows unabated, folks.”

DENVER, Colo. — A totally sweet jam session was ruined when guitarist Joe Tedesco accidentally missed a note in Eddie Van Halen’s solo “Eruption,” authorities announced today.

Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said.

“I can confirm that the jam session was totally kickin’ until Joe screwed up ‘Eruption,’” said Police Spokesman Hewbert McDonald of the Denver Police Department.

“You know that part when Eddie plays a boat-load of sixteenth notes? Well, Joe played an eighth note instead of a sixteenth note. You can imagine how that ruined the vibe of the whole evening.”

Band members immediately called 911 to report the crime.

McDonald said it was unclear whether Joe, a perfectionist who insists on making no mistakes, will ever recover from the error. It was also unclear whether Joe would be able to post bond.

Maddy Tedesco, suspected boy talker

PUEBO, Colo. — At a press conference today, Maddy Tedesco vehemently denied allegations in the Tedesco Times that she and her friends talked about boys at Maddy’s birthday party.

“Hey why did you say we were talking about boys?” Maddy, 10, wrote in a comment in the Tedesco Times, a Pewlitzer-prize winning publication that tracks the exploits of the Tedesco crime family.

Maddy’s claims were contradicted by her own mother, Caitlin, who told reporters: “I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard. The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The ages and identities of the boys discussed at the birthday party are still unknown.

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities armed with a search warrant raided the home today of Jennifer “Magic Hands” Hiller, 28, who was accused of operating an unlicensed massage parlor for kitty cats.

“We have video footage of the suspect petting a cute little kitty cat in her home,” said police Sgt. Bruce Reiner. “The cat was enjoying the massage session so much, it’s highly probable that some kind of Texas law was broken.”

PUEBLO, Colo. — Witnesses on a fishing trip were perplexed by the terrified shrieking and yelping of toddler Cooper Tedesco, who encountered a harmless hooked fish today.

“Not too many Tedescos are outdoorsmen, and apparently, neither is Cooper judging by his cries of horror,” his father Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference.

“Frankly, that slimy fish was pretty disgusting,” Mike said with a shudder. “I wanted to scream and run around in circles too but luckily I kept myself under control.

“Ewwwwwww,” Mike added.