CORPUS CHRISTI — Rich Haswell, a renowned pool shark who trounces every Tedesco kid he plays, lost his first game of pool at approximately 1:47 p.m. today.

Witnesses said the mild-mannered college professor lost a cutthroat match with John Tedesco, 28, the wisest and coolest brother in the Tedesco family.

“Rich practices on that pool table day and night,” Mom said from her ringside seat at the Haswell home. “He’s beaten Joe, Paul, Mike and Kristin countless times. Those poor saps didn’t stand a chance against him, really. In the end, only John could pull it off.”

Tedesco siblings hailed the victory.

“Rich kinda looks like a defenseless mark you might hustle at a smoky pool hall,” Mike Tedesco said at a press conference. “But in reality, he’s a shark — a big scary shark with a pool stick, and he’s trawling for guppies.

“It really sucks being the guppy,” Mike added.

PUEBLO, Colo. — The United Nations announced today that the Christmas holidays have prompted a brief ceasefire between warring factions of Tedesco kids.

“For a miraculous few days, there was no bickering, no crying, no poking, and no pushing,” said United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, who brokered the peace treaty. “It truly is a Christmas miracle.”

According to a peace accord signed by all parties in the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco, their daughter Maddy agreed to end all hostilities with her little brother, Cooper, unless he crosses the demilitarized zone into her room.

In the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, munchkins Lili, Gigi and Cole agreed to briefly smile and hug each other during a picture-taking session in front of the Christmas tree. After the picture was taken, the children immediately went back to DEFCON 1.

DENVER — Critics are hailing the work of ace photographer Cole Ramirez Tedesco, 3, who unveiled his own photo studio today.

“His pictures are so raw, so powerful,” said New York Times arts critic Sebestian Archibald Lewis III, who reviewed the young photographer’s work. “He’s the Ansel Adams of Broomsfield, Colorado.”

Cole launched his career as a photographer after he asked an uncle to loan him a $200 digital camera.

“Was I nervous?” asked Uncle John. “Hell yeah. But when I saw the pictures Cole took, I was like, wow, these aren’t half bad. Even Paul looks good. I didn’t think that was possible.”

Click here to visit Cole’s Flickr account.

Click here for a slide show of all photos from the Tedescos’ Thanksgiving in Denver.

HOLLYWOOD — Item! John “Primo” Gronbeck-Tedesco is, like, totally famous after he was interviewed by a television reporter for an awesome news story.

You probably already know his sister stars in Superbowl commercials and her autographs sell on E-bay for a gazillion dollars. Like, oh my God, everybody knows that. Duh.

But Primo was on the news about a movie he starred in 25 years ago when he was a cutsie pie. He played a little farm boy in this movie. I think it was called “The Day After” or something, and it has something to do with people bursting into flames.

Anyway, Primo survived and he’s all growns up now and famous.

Back off ladies! He’s mine!

Item! Lindsay Lohan spotted sober …

Click here for the recent newscast

Click here for the original newscast from 1983

DENVER — In a hallowed tradition eagerly awaited by sports fans across the globe, Tedesco guys are gearing up for Turkey Bowl XXVIIVX on Thanksgiving Day.

“The Tedesco Turkey Bowls are the grittiest games of touch football known to mankind,” said wide receiver Mike Tedesco as he smoked a cigarette in preparation for the big day.

“These games play out on the tundra of cold, God-forsaken places like Spokane, Washington, or Lawrence, Kansas,” Mike said wistfully. “Serbian prisoners have nightmares about about these places. But that’s where the Tedescos gather to do battle.”

The annual Turkey Bowl requires a rigorous training regimen.

“I’ve been carbo-loading for the past year getting ready for Turkey Bowl,” said defensive lineman Paul Tedesco. “That’s why I bought this huge keg of Sam Adams and drank religiously from it every day.”

This year, the Dallas Cowboys and Seattle Seahawks play on Thanksgiving Day. But true sports fans know that the Turkey Bowl is the game to watch.

“Every year it’s the same drill,” Dad said. “Joe tries in in vain to get open. Paul stands there with his hands in his pockets to keep his fingers warm. I throw to somebody, and then we chase the guy who intercepts the ball.”

Perhaps the bravest warriors on the gridiron are the few spectators who gather for this venerable annual tradition — Tedesco women.

“Christ, you wouldn’t believe how freakin’ cold and boring it is,” said Cousin Anna, wincing at the thought of having to watch her Dad, brother and cousins attempt to play football. “I think I’m going to bring a flask this year to at least try and make this entertaining.”

Authorities say these bizarre creatures spotted at the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco are ‘almost assuredly’ peaceful

PUEBLO, Colo. — The Department of Homeland Security was on high alert today after nervous residents reported strange creatures roaming their neighborhoods on Halloween night.

Agency spokesman Donald Hinkledore assured the public that a giant dragon and spooky witch spotted in Colorado were “almost assuredly” peaceful.

“So far, no one has been harmed by these cute little monsters,” Hinkledore announced at a press conference. “As a precaution, we have elevated our national risk level from ‘Periwinkle’ to ‘Taupe.’ You know what to do with that information, America.”

Hinkledore said citizens should “duck and cover” if they see a witch cast a spell at them. He also denied a report in today’s edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a hungry dragon attacking bags of defenseless candy.

“The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence,” Hinkledore said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. “All is well.

“But if you happen to be outside, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear a full-body flame-retardant suit, just in case.”

UPDATE — Halloween pics of Makenna, Lili, Gigi and Cole:

Gigi Tedesco (left) and Makenna Cook resemble baby pictures of Joe Tedesco (right) from 1975. The phenomenon baffles scientists

DENVER — A new study has discovered that toddlers Gigi Ramirez Tedesco and Makenna Cook bear a frightening resemblance to the baby pictures of their 33-year-old uncle, Joe Tedesco.

The study, published by researchers at the University of Colorado, found “bizarre” similarities between Joe, a golf fanatic who sells wine and worships the movie “Sideways,” and the two cute little Tedesco girls.

“Frankly, nothing in modern science can explain these similarities,” said Professor Monica LaMont, one of the study’s authors. “At a young age, all three individuals shared the same wildly curly hair and pudgy cheeks. The key question is, why? And what did two innocent girls do to deserve this?”

LaMont said the study found a “strong probability” that the Tedesco munchkins would grow up to resemble Joe in other ways.

“Makenna and Gigi have already been observed eating their own boogers,” LaMont said. “They will probably continue this habit into adulthood, just like their uncle. God help those kids.”

LOS ANGELES — Item! Annie Tedesco is starring in a real life movie!

Unlike most Tedescos who seek fame and fortune on YouTube, Cousin Annie is starring in the independent film Suspension, which is now out on DVD!

A reliable source at Blockbuster Video said Annie Tedesco has been featured in all kinds of commercials, like the Superbowl commercial for CareerBuilder.com and the “Mahna Mahna” commercial for Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

What have you done lately, punk?

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