Sophie Turns 2

Tedesco munchkin now old enough to join Build-A-Bear cult

SAN ANTONIO — Toy company Build-A-Bear Workshop Inc. announced it expects to break a new record in profits this year after Tedesco munchkin Sophie Tedesco celebrated her two-year birthday, making her old enough to join the ranks of other Tedesco girls who have been indoctrinated in the Cult of the Build-A-Bear. “Build-A-Bear is thriving today…

Tedesco pillow fort

Security flaws discovered in Tedesco pillow fort

SAN ANTONIO — A ramshackle fort made of pillows, blankets and couch cushions in the home of Pete and Sophie Tedesco violated numerous security protocols and even looked as if children had built it, dumbfounded military officials announced today. “Wow. Where to begin?” visibly flabbergasted Randall Yates of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers told…

Rosie

Report: Squirrel spotted in Paul’s backyard

DENVER — The Pentagon announced today that field operative Rosie the Dog spotted another squirrel in the demilitarized zone of Paul Tedesco’s backyard. “At approximately 0900 hours today, Rosie the Dog alerted the neighborhood that a squirrel was hopping along the backyard fence of Sector 3 in Paul Tedesco’s backyard,” Pentagon spokesman Derrick Rogers told…

Paul

Old video footage reveals Tedesco kids were total dorkwads

WASHINGTON — Researchers at the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration announced today that unearthed archival footage of the Tedesco family conclusively proves how the ragtag gang of kids growing up in the 1970s were total dorkwads. “Historians have held heated debates about the true history of the Tedesco kids,” said chief archivist David S.…