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Another Tedesco gets baptized
Will it work this time?DENVER - The Tedescos once again tested the mettle of the Catholic Church with the baptism of Gianna, a cute little girl whose last name is infamous at the Vatican.
Several signs suggest Gianna won't follow in the footsteps of her relatives - Joe, Paul, Mike and Kristin, whose pictures are hanging in post offices across the country. Most of Gianna's relatives are from the huge Ramirez family, who vastly outnumber the Tedescos and actually go to church. Wearing a pearly white dress, Gianna was peaceful for a Tedesco baby, and her patience struck a chord with participants at the ceremony. "I think it's a good sign," said Gianna's mother, Georgia, who is bravely fighting the genetic tendency among Tedesco children to commit felonies. "As long as Gianna doesn't follow in her Daddy's footsteps, we'll be OK." Poll: Tedesco girls like presents, candy
The national survey found that half the Tedesco girls in the country rated Christmas presents as the "most supercool thing in the world," while the other half were too young to speak, but responded with smiles and drool when asked about the joys of Halloween candy. Kristin Tedesco offered a split vote in the survey, saying Christmas was cool and also drooling at the thought of Halloween candy. Answers by Caitlin Tedesco, who said she liked Christmas candy and Halloween presents, were thrown out. "What this survey shows is that Tedesco girls have learned to really milk the system and get what they want," said Gallup pollster Frank Newport, who conducted the wide-ranging study. "Did you see that stash of candy Lili got on Halloween?" Newport asked. "And how 'bout that toy Barbie car Maddy got for Christmas? Those chicks are workin' it, I'm tellin' ya." Newport said the poll also uncovered insights into the male side of the Tedesco family. "Tedesco boys overwhelmingly reported they can't stand most holidays, except Super Bowl Sunday," Newport said. "That, and happy hour at the local dive bar, are the highlights of their lives. Those poor, poor bastards." Around the Nation:
Move over, Martha StewartIt's the Chef Lili showDENVER - With home maven Martha Stewart facing the possibility of going to prison, amateur chef Lili Ramirez Tedesco is attempting to fill the void with unique recipes and designer tips.Although Lili is only 1 year old, she has developed a strong following among middle-aged women. Last week, 4.2 million viewers tuned into "Cooking with Lili," according to the latest Nielson Ratings. "I was a real skeptic of the Play Doh Casserole," said Barbara Hemsley, a housewife in Topeka, Kansas. "Frankly, that stuff is disgusting. But with Martha about to go to the pokie, I guess I'll have to control my gag reflex." Media observers believe the show will take off as soon as Lili masters her motor skills and is able to speak two syllable words. Maddy makes surprise trip to Texas
"All hail the great nation state of Texas, y'all," Maddy said in a zombie-like, monotone twang. Maddy said the fun trip was filled with visits to Chuck E. Cheese, playing outside, and absorbing mind-altering propaganda that proliferates the Lone Star State. "Everyone in Texas thinks they're the coolest, and that's a message Maddy really picked up on," said her father, Mike Tedesco, who lived for two years in Corpus Christi before he "escaped from the cult." "I tried to tell her Texas spends less per capita on education than just about anywhere in the country, but she just talked about the need to buy a Ford F150." The indoctrination process peaked with the purchase of a $5 cowboy hat in a tacky tourist shop by the Alamo. Paul's wife opens school of photography
Prolific artist takes pictures, teaches others what not to doDENVER - The photography world was unalterably changed today when Paul's wife, Georgia, announced the opening of a new photo gallery of her favorite family pictures.Called "Georgia's Gallery of Shame," the venue will teach valuable lessons to young photographers, showing them exactly how not to take a picture. “Great shot Georgia,” Paul thought to himself as he offloaded a batch of digital pictures recently. “That would be a great picture if you turned our daughter around. And that shot of the kitchen floor needs more floor.” Master photographers from across the United States attended the grand opening of Georgia's gallery. "Dear, God! What is that thing?" asked Pulitzer-prize winning photographer David Hume Kennerly, as he gazed upon one of Georgia's masterpieces. "I think I'm actually going blind." The bits of data in Georgia's crappy pictures is enough to circle the world three times -- more than enough material to be a regular feature on the Tedesco Times. Terrorists strike at John's new home
"I was going outside to pick up the paper this morning," said the visibly shaken stud at a press conference. "Then I saw it: somebody had moved my porch furniture into the front yard and put a grotesque pumpkin head on it. I hate to admit it, but I freaked." Before the attack, John had spent several weeks sprucing up his new stucco home, which he bought in October. "My friends couldn't get enough of my stories about painting different rooms and shopping for furniture," said the new homeowner, who now has four interior design magazines and two books on the subject. After the terrorist attack, John found a strange e-mail in his computer when he went to work that morning. A copy has been obtained by the Tedesco Times: -----Original Message----- From: Rodriguez, Ihosvani Sent: Friday, December 19, 2003 9:56 AM To: Lauricella, David; King, Karisa; Sheppard, David; Rodriguez, Ihosvani; Pfister, Bonnie; Krausse, Henry; Allen, Elizabeth; Rodriguez, Rebeca; 'Emilybethrobinson@yahoo.com' Ladies and gentlemen, we got him! This morning, at exactly 07:22 CST, operatives of the Anti-Tedesco Home Decor Coalition launched a pre-emptive strike against the bespectacled one in what marks the first successful mission of Operation Lawn Storm.
The effective strategy, mapped out by high-level intelligence officials, consists of secretly adorning the Upholstery Fiend's lawn with tacky decorations and mundane objects. Attached are recon photos taken this morning after the completion of Mission Gabacho Head. Make no mistake, the Wall Trimming Tyrant will now think twice before harassing peace loving Americans such as ourselves with tales of his woeful attempts of domesticating his life of color-coordinating turmoil. In the words of the great Jeffery Lewbowski "This aggression will not stand, man." May God bless the people of Iraq, and the Woodlawn Park area residents. Thank you. |
Features What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times? "Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!" "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!" "Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!" "Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" |
