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Toddler blamed in marker mishap
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| Cole Tedesco, relishing his handiwork
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DENVER – Authorities suspect a local toddler armed with a marker is responsible for a wild graffiti spree that covered his big sisters in green ink.
Cole "Picasso" Tedesco, 2, was charged today with "aggravated assault with a Crayola," a felony. Witnesses said the toddler gleefully wielded a "Tropical Green" colored marker without a crucial safety cap as he crawled around the unprotected home of his parents, Paul and Georgia Tedesco.
Authorities allege that Cole Tedesco drew on walls, carpeting, distraught big sisters, and even his own face.
"Clearly we're dealing with someone who knows how to use a marker and isn't afraid to use it," Denver Police Chief Gerald R. Whitman said at a hastily called press conference today.
"If you spot this criminal mastermind, do not attempt to apprehend him yourself," Whitman said. "Withdraw to a safe location and call 911. Let the professionals handle this, unless you want to look like the Incredible Hulk."
Luna: Oh boy, who's at the door?!
CORPUS CHRISTI – Somebody's at the door, somebody's at the door, Luna
reported with joyous yelps on Thanksgiving Day.
The playful German Shepherd who guards a house on the 1400 block of Memphis Drive frantically asked owners Jan and Rich Haswell who is it, who is it, and will they play with me?
Luna peered through a window at the visitor. Oh boy, it's "Super-Cool Ball Thrower Guy!" Where's my ball, where's my ball, Luna barked.
Luna sought out a slobber-soaked squeaky ball. Here it is! I wish I had opposable thumbs! I hope my human buddy will play fetch with me! She delivered the disgusting toy to the visitor, who played fetch with the attention-deprived dog for the next two days.
Click here for video of Luna!
Paul feigns surprise at surprise party
DENVER – Paul Tedesco, who turned 30 recently, tried to act surprised at a party organized by his wife, Georgia, who had left clues about the secret gathering all over their house.
"Wow," Paul deadpanned as he attempted to raise his eyebrows convincingly to portray what he thought was an expression of shock. "Hoo boy."
Days before the party, Paul chanced upon an invitation written by Georgia, who had mailed it to friends and family but left a copy in plain sight. Georgia concocted an elaborate story to throw Paul off the scent, a tactic that usually works.
But the day of the party, Paul's Dad mentioned going out to dinner earlier because "John was hungry." Dad had apparently spaced the fact that John, Paul's dashingly handsome sibling, had secretly flown in from San Antonio for the surprise party.
"They did just about everything except put a sticky note on my forehead that said 'Paul's surprise party is today, don't forget,'" Paul said after he walked into the Rock Bottom restaurant and bar, fully aware that friends and family were lying in wait.
"I'm slow," Paul said. "But not that slow."
Across the Nation:
Glamour! Paparazzi! White people from Spokane dancing to Journey!
It's a wedding for Krissy and Garrett
SEATTLE — Item! Local celebrities Garrett Cook and Kristin Tedesco were married Saturday in front of 200 adoring fans and family members!
Gasp!
The Tedesco Times was the only media organization invited to the private ceremony! Here's the skinny!
Item! Held at a picturesque park overlooking downtown Seattle, the ceremony attracted scores of onlookers who couldn't believe so many beautiful people from the Tedesco and Cook families had gathered in one place.
"Tom and Katie look so beautiful!" said one confused fan as Kristin and Garrett said their vows. "But where's Suri?"
Item! Despite rumors to the contrary, the respectable Cook family said they were very pleased that every single bride's maid sported a tattoo.
Item! Kristin survived the whole day without taking a nap!
Item! At the wedding reception, the dance floor became an air-guitar battleground as throngs of people from Spokane, Wash. rocked out to their hallowed anthem, "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey.
No one told them Journey had announced in May 1992 that their hit song did not apply to anyone from Spokane, and those people really should stop believing.
Item! The Tedesco and Cook clans realized they had much in common after downing more than 400 bottles of wine and three kegs of beer.
Who are these famous people?
Garrett Cook, a dashing bachelor in his own mind, has known the Tedescos for years. While attending Cataldo Catholic School as a child in Spokane, Mike Tedesco forced Garrett to take a wee in the hall, just as the entire fourth grade class walked by. Garrett was instantly hooked on the exciting Tedesco lifestyle and exhibitionism.
Kristin Tedesco, a thrift store junkie whose most notable talents are dancing the Texas Two Step and chain-smoking, hung out with Garrett at Mike's wedding several years ago. Mike had an idea: What better way to piss off Garrett's Mom than to persuade him to date a Tedesco? Much like the wee at Cataldo, Mike's Machiavellian plan was set in motion, and a whirlwind romance started whirling romantically.
Economy surges from Tedesco wedding
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| Kristin goes berserk at a thrift store
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SEATTLE — Local officials were elated by a sharp spike in sales tax revenue from vintage clothes, bargain books and booze as legions of Tedescos arrive this week for the wedding of Kristin Tedesco and Garrett Cook.
"Cha ching!" Mayor Greg Pennies announced at a press conference as he pumped his arm as if using a slot machine. "Man, I was wondering how we were going to balance the budget. Then all these Tedescos showed up and bought out Value Village."
Witnesses said they saw the enormous Tedesco family sweep like locusts across the city to buy their favorite things.
Vast shortages at Half Priced Books were reported after Mom and Rich swept through every store.
Not one bottle of Lagavulin scotch or Fiji water could be found in Seattle after Cousin John and Cousin Anna arrived.
Clans of young Tedesco munchkins, from newborn Cooper Tedesco to 31-year-old Joe Tedesco, have stretched the city's entire diaper supply to its breaking point.
And with her entire family in town, Kristin Tedesco is now the top consumer of anti-anxiety pills.
Population booming in Tedesco family
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| Mike and his wife, Caitlin, had a baby boy
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PUEBLO, Colo. — The U.S. Census Bureau announced today that the population of Tedescos has skyrocketed with the birth of yet another cute baby, Cooper Tedesco.
"Thanks to Mike and Caitlin and their new baby boy, we totally lost count of how many Tedescos are roaming around out there," said bureau director Charles Kincannon, whose agency is responsible for tallying everyone living in the United States.
Tedesco munchkins such as Cooper, who weighed in at seven pounds, four ounces, are notoriously difficult to track down, Kincannon said.
"We tried finding Cooper's big sister, Maddy, for the last census, but she tricked us by playing 'hide and seek' and never coming back," Kincannon said. "How can you hope to count someone who is that diabolical?"
Kincannon attempted to list the other Tedesco children born in the last several years.
"Let's see here, there's Lili, Gigi and Cole that we know of," Kincannon said as he used his fingers to add up the names. "So that makes six, no, five munchkins so far? How the heck are we supposed to keep track of all these Tedescos?"
Small town lifestyle screws up Mike
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| Mike "Lord of the Flies" Tedesco
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| Mike pictured with wife, Caitlin, before he went native
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SOUTH FORK, Colo — After Mike Tedesco lived for 2 years in this isolated mountain town, family members announced today he was buying a musket, moving his family as far away from civilization as possible, and adopting a grizzly bear named "Ben."
"Mike is going all 'Grizzly Adams' on us," said his wife, Caitlin Tedesco. "Something in the fresh mountain air really messed him up bad."
Caitlin said she noticed a change come over her husband shortly after their move to South Fork, population 588.
"We all know Mike never really liked bathing, but in South Fork he gave it up completely," Caitlin said.
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| Mike losing it
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"Then he grew a beard and started spending all his time in the garage. I went back there one night and you know what I found? A still for making moonshine! My God, who does that?"
Their daughter, Maddy, chimed in: "Daddy's losing it."
Mike defended what he described as an "alternative lifestyle choice" that elite, big-city liberals and spouses will never understand.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hunt jack rabbits with my new musket," Mike said in a huff.
"I'm still trying to get the hang of this hunting thing, and I swear to God, I'm hungry enough to eat my coon-skin cap."
Next Tedesco baby already a total stud
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| Tedesco kid in sonogram
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| Tedesco kid in 30 years
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SOUTH FORK, Colo. — Even before his birth, the next Tedesco baby is showing the telltale signs of being a stud, doctors announced at a press conference today.
"The ultrasound clearly shows the classic traits of a Tedesco guy: a strong jaw, dreamy eyes, and thick, flowing hair," said Dr. Josephine Reynolds, an obstetrician who studied ultrasound photos taken of Mike's wife, Caitlin Tedesco.
"His testosterone levels are way off the charts. Hot nurses are already asking for his phone number, so they can look him up in 20 years. Clearly, this kid is a Tedesco," Reynolds said.
Doctors said the dashingly handsome fetus also displayed early signs of the trademark, razor-sharp wit of a Tedesco.
"We're seeing incredible brain activity in the little tyke," Reynolds said. "If recent history is a guide, those smarts will come in handy when he's running from the law."
Reynolds then tore her eyes from the sonogram photos and fanned her flushed face. "Whew! is it hot in here or what?" she asked no one in particular.
Around the Nation:
Microsoft Corp. unveils new Gigi 2.0
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| A happy Gigi 2.0
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DENVER — With the unveiling of the popular toddler program Gigi 2.0, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates promised Gigi's troublesome crashes and tantrums will be fixed.
"Let's face it, Gigi 1.0 was a handful," Gates told company shareholders in a video teleconference, after Gigi's birthday in January. "She was cute as the dickens, but I'll be the first to admit she hogged RAM and crucial family resources. Plus, McAffee Virus Scan never seemed to work for her."
Gates said Microsoft personnel had worked "round the clock" to upgrade Gigi, who has been described by critics as more realistic than "The Sims" software game. Gigi is a bestseller at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco.
"When you upload Gigi 2.0, you'll get a faster, cuter software package with fewer bugs and boogers," Gates promised. "Just don't double-click on her during breakfast, lunch, naptime, dinner, evening, and bedtime, and you'll be fine."
'Operation Geezer' a direct hit
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| Cousin John with his kidnappers
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AUSTIN — The Pentagon announced today that Aunt Sue successfully surprised her son for his 30th birthday with a quasi-military operation that involved flying friends and family in from across the country for a "shock and awe" mission.
Officials said the target of the sneak attack, John "Primo" Gronbeck Tedesco, was lured by his sister into the lobby of the Omni Hotel in downtown Austin, where Aunt Sue's team prepared the ambush.
"Aunt Sue had pulled in military assets from all over the U.S. to orchestrate 'Operation Geezer,'" said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at a news briefing. "She handpicked approximately a dozen friends and family members, all specialists in their fields, to fly in for this Psych Op."
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| Aunt Sue, military genius
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Rumsfeld said the team sought cover behind tables and bar stools when the target appeared. On Aunt Sue's orders, they each yelled 'surprise' with heart-stopping precision.
"The target didn't know what hit him," Rumsfeld said with a chuckle. "I believe his exact words were, 'Holy crap, I need to change my adult undergarments.' "
The team whisked the target to a secret interrogation room at Sullivan's Steakhouse, where Rumsfeld said they learned "valuable Intel from hilarious limericks written about the old geezer."
"Ladies and gentlemen," Rumsfeld said, "that's what I call a surprise party."
From the Archives: Spring 2004
Uncle John injured in cascarone attack
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| The brutal attack
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| The suspect
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LAWRENCE, Kansas — Authorities say they have a suspect in the Easter Sunday cascarone attack that blinded a local man with a shower of egg shells and confetti.
Maddy Tedesco, 4, was charged today with "aggravated assault with a cascarone," a felony. Witnesses said Maddy gleefully smashed a colored egg against the head of Uncle John.
"This suspect is still on the loose and considered armed and dangerous," said Lawrence Police Chief Ron Olin. "She is not only extremely cunning, but also cute as the dickens. Ms. Tedesco lures her unwitting victims close, pretending to be an innocent little munchkin, and then, Bam! She strikes and you're covered in confetti.
"Do you know how big a mess that makes?" Olin added. "It's horrible."
Police blame Maddy Tedesco for a cascarone crime spree that has frightened residents in this small Kansas town.
"It was a cold, calculating attack," Aunt Sue told detectives. "Maddy was saying, 'Uncle John, come here, come here, I want to show you something,' Suddenly there was confetti everywhere and I heard diabolical laughter. By the time we realized what happened, Maddy was gone."
Sports:
Joe loses at golf to big brother
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| Joe trying to golf
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SAN ANTONIO — Golf legend Joe Tedesco, who once prided himself with winning every game he's ever played with his Dad and brothers, suffered a shocking defeat recently at the hands of an old nemesis: his cool big brother.
PGA officials confirmed that Joe, an avid player who practices every day, lost by two strokes to John Tedesco, who only had his raw talent and muscular physique to help him.
"Talk about 'Clash of the Titans," marveled Dad, who visited his sons in Texas recently and joined them at the luxurious San Pedro Par 3 Golf Course, where green fees are a whopping $7.
"Joe was all tense and nervous, but John relaxed as he chomped on a cigar. I don't think he even realized it was a death match," Dad said.
On the ninth and final hole, the brothers were tied. John hit a soaring bullseye of a tee shot � the ball plopped down a few feet from the hole on a green the size of a postage stamp.
Joe swung and the ball veered like a drunk driver into a stand of trees.
"Game over, dude," Dad said in amazement. "Game over."
Tedesco Times offers new stuff for sale
SAN ANTONIO — The fashion industry was outraged today upon learning the Tedesco Times is now selling cool products at a new online store.
"How are we supposed to compete with this totally awesome Tedesco Times stuff?" asked fashion guru Tommy Hilfiger. "I've already bought some sweet baseball T-shirts. I can't stop myself."
The Tedesco Times shop can be found at Cafepress.com. Send a Letter to the Editor if you want to offer any more cool products or slogans.
One dollar out of every item purchased goes to the nonprofit "John Tedesco Cigar Fund."
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Features
What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times?
"Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the
Tedesco family is up to!"
-- Mike's probation
officer "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for
child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!"
"Do you have
the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!"
-- Kathy Ireland,
supermodel
"Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct
our electronic monitoring efforts!"
-- John Aschcroft, U.S. Attorney
General
"You'll
be hearing from my lawyers!"
Paul and Georgia started a business!
Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy!
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Click here for a slide show!
