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Young genius turns 4 years old
At a party thrown by her cool relatives in Belton, Missouri, Maddy said her goals as a 4 year old included riding her new Barbi bike and “tutoring Daddy in grad school.” She then discussed current events in the Middle East over a particulary fine vintage of Capri Sun. Experts said they were stunned by the young girl’s vocabulary skills and could only guess how many words she would learn now that she was more grown up. “I think there’s some openings in the English Department,” said Aunt Sue, who works at Kansas University. “Maybe Maddy should apply.” Maddy has not only excelled in acadamia, but also knows hip sayings, surprising experts who wondered how someone so smart could still be so unbelievably cool. "My new bike is so money," Maddy said as she zoomed along the sidewalk outside her house. Later, when a reporter asked for an interview, she replied, "You loco, ese." Around the Nation: Mike graduates from collegeEvent shocks world, Hell freezes over
MOSCOW, Idaho -- A cold front swept through Hades today after Mike Tedesco received his college diploma."Brrrrrr!" Beelzebub said at a hastily called press conference in the third ring of Hell. "I can't believe he did it!" As Mike received his bachelor's degree at the University of Idaho after years of hard work and study, the denizens of Hell said they welcomed a respite from the fires of eternal damnation. "Dude, way to go!" former U.S. President Richard Nixon said as a demon whipped him for the 1,903,759,134th time. "Congrats!" "Incredible!" Lawrence Welk exclaimed as he was forced to listen to his own music for eternity. "Kick ass, Mike!" In other news, peace flowered in Israel, Osama Bin Laden surrendered, and Joe talked about something besides wine. Paul's band launches new CD
DENVER -- Paul recently took a step toward the decadent life of a rock star with the release of a CD by his Denver band Sippy Cup.The talented bassist said he can't wait to start making music videos. "God gave me a gift and I plan to use it," Paul said as he donned a pair of Ray ban shades. "It just so happens that this gift will make me an international superstar." During a recent jam session, Paul laid out some smooth bass lines as a groupie squealed in delight. Lilianna then immediately went back to sleep. Click here to listen to Sippy Cup Next generation of Tedesco children cuter than previous generation
"No comparison," Mom said as she perused Internet photos of her grandchildren, Maddy and Lilianna. "These little angels are way better than the punks I raised." Dad said the precious time he spent with the two girls has helped ease the post-traumatic stress disorder he suffered from raising five Tedesco children of his own, a period he called "The Dark Years."
Experts who reviewed archival photographs of John, Joe, Paul, Mike and Kristin said the disturbing pictures bore little resemblance to the "mind-blowingly cute" photos of Maddy and Lili. "Those two girls are cute as the dickens," said FBI Special Agent Bryan Davis, who investigated the last generation of Tedescos. "I can't believe they share the gene pool with the 'Fearsome Five.' Essentially, those first Tedesco kids were a terrorist cell." Click here for Tedesco photo album Click here to listen to Lilianna being cute Obituary: John braces for 30th birthdayFamily mourns passing of favorite son SAN ANTONIO -- John Tedesco, who turns 30 in June, was remembered by friends and family today as someone who had been "so full of life."Funeral services were held by John and his loved ones as they mourned the passing of his youth and began counting the days to his impending doom. "Bummer," John's sister, Kristin, said in Seattle as she and her friends did young, hip activities that John can only dream of now. "Better him than me." As a boy, John enjoyed the privileges of being the oldest, favorite son. Those days are now ancient history -- just like John. Friends note John's physique is shot, his favorite game is golf, and his short-term memory is on par with that guy in "Memento." Typical old geezer. "At least when I turned 30, I could look at my children and feel like I accomplished something," Dad said. "That's going to be little solace for Mr. Bachelor. Hey, John, tick tock, buddy. You ain't getting any younger." When the big day arrived, John's friends, his brother Joe and Cousin John made the unfortunate choice of celebrating his birthday with a surprise party. Paramedics successfully resuscitated John after his first heart attack. |
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