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DJ Jazzy Lili in the hizouse, y'all
Critics have praised the toddler's lyrical style and new dynamic dance, which is known as "The Stumble." Break dancers across the country are mimicking DJ Jazzy Lili by slowly crawling up stairs on all fours and then grabbing the edge of a coffee table for balance as they awkwardly stand up. At a recent concert at the local Gymboree, a crowd of youngsters screamed and cried even before DJ Jazzy Lili took the stage in her suped-up stroller. "DJ Jazzy Lili's got some of the freshest lyrics out there," said Rolling Stone music critic Eric Deggans. "When she dishes out rhymes like, 'You best watch out/My mama ain't changed my diapers/So I be packin' heat in my seat,' she really speaks to a lot of today's youth." Around the Nation: Cousin Anna stars in commercial!
You heard it hear at gossip central first! The Tedesco Times has learned that Cousin Anna is promoting the new Spider Man movie in a catchy ad that's going nationwide! Critics are raving! Who's that knocking? I think it's an Oscar! Gasp! Cousin Anna is not the only Tedesco to become famous. Her brother, John, played the role of a happy little farm boy who gets atomized in a nuclear explosion in the made-for-TV 1980s movie "The Day After!" It was a show for the whole family, except for the Armageddon part. The other Tedesco children are celebrities in their own right, having been featured in the police blotters of their local newspapers. Item! Demi Moore gives birth to alien baby ... Cousin John earns masters degrees in academics and beer guzzling
Cousin John's dedication to "el vino" and "las chicas" made him a standout among the thousands of party animals who graduated from UT Austin. "I really think this degree prepared me to go back to school so I can party some more," Cousin John said after spending two years learning about some kind of liberal arts thingamajig. John's cousin, Mike Tedesco, is also attending graduate school, and hopes to soon finish his degree in kegger engineering. Maddy suffers early mid-life crisis
"Maddy's been hitting the root beer pretty hard," said her mother, Caitlin. "And the other night, she went cruising for guys on her pink Barbie bike. Oh, and she's going nuts with the toy jewelry. What's next, a Porsche?" Maddy's father, Mike, said play time with Maddy has revealed how quickly she's growing up. "She likes to pretend she's a kindergarten teacher and I'm her student, which would be fine except she plays a bossy, jaded stress-case who's a nano-second away from going postal," Mike said. "How did she learn so much about real life?" Attempts to interview Maddy were unsuccessful as she spent all day putting on makeup. Have you seen this Tedesco kid?
"We believe Kristin Tedesco is in the Seattle area," said Seattle police chief Gil Kerlikowske. "It's been several months since she last picked up the phone to call her brothers. I can't say I blame her, but still, we're doing all we can to find the miscreant." Kristin Tedesco was last spotted with family members around Christmas, where witnesses said she got lots of free, cool presents. "Then, just like that, she was gone," said her brother, Joe Tedesco, who then disappeared for several months himself when he forgot to pay his mobile phone bill. Other missing Tedescos include Paul, who was last seen in a sand trap playing golf with Dad, and Mike, who is believed to be lurking in Internet chatrooms, trying in vain to win at Yahoo! Hearts. Tedescos win 2004 White Trash awards
"You guys really deserve this," said Garth Brooks at the 25th Annual White Trash awards ceremony in Spokane, Wash. "Here is your honorary wife-beater T-shirt, and a six pack of Milwaukee's Best. Use them well, my brothers." Judges said the Tedesco boys clinched the prize through lots of hard work. "No one else really came close," said the WWF's Stone Cold Steve Austin. "Joe, Paul, and Mike Tedesco have collectively listened to 1,245,321 million hours of Van Halen. They are equally astute in the works of old Van Halen with David Lee Roth, and new Van Halen with Sammy Hagar. Of course, no one counts the one album with that guy from Extreme. But anyway, they're the experts. Can anyone else say that?" The Tedescos commemorated their victory by guzzling in rapid succession their honorary six-pack of beer, sparking a standing ovation. John is getting really, really old
"I'm starting to see some gray hairs around his temples," Mom said after John's birthday in June. "And you usually have to speak up to talk to the old man because he's hard of hearing. Guess it's time to start buying Ensure in bulk." Others note how quickly the years are catching up with John "Have you seen all his new wrinkles?" Dad asked. "My God, his face looks like a saddle bag." In an interview, John denied the charges, saying, "Eh, what's that? Speak up, youngster!" And then promptly fell asleep. |
Features What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times? "Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!" "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!" "Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!" "Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Paul and Georgia started a business! 
Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy! |
