SEATTLE — Researchers announced today they were stunned by the calming effect Elvis songs have on Makenna Cook, a fussy Tedesco munchkin who is driving her parents crazy.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Theo Lewis, a professor of childhood development at the University of Washington who visited the home of Garrett and Kristin Cook to study their daughter.

“Our research shows most babies like quiet lullabies,” Lewis said. “But Makenna only calms down when she hears ear-splitting tunes performed by a pill-popping rocker, like Elvis and Johnny Cash. Clearly, something in her Tedesco genetic code is causing this fixation.”

Lewis predicted little Makenna will be jamming to rock songs with her uncles in the basement of Paul Tedesco’s house by preschool.

Gigi Tedesco, a member of the Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER – Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation.

“At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed our indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Hucksley said the Tedesco girls have rapidly learned to finagle their parents into paying outrageous sums of money on inanimate, soulless stuffed animals.

“Every piece of fluffy stuffing that a Tedesco tyke orders for her bear is a dollar that’s been fleeced by a hapless parent,” Hucksley happily noted.

With the recent birth of yet another Tedesco girl, Makenna, Hucksley predicted that by the year 2009, the company will successfully complete its plans of world domination.

Joe Tedesco emitting harmful levels of Van Halen

DENVER – Health officials warned residents today to avoid dangerously high levels of Van Halen, Joe Satriani, and other 1980s rockers whose songs have been played virtually nonstop since the arrival of guitarist Joe Tedesco, who moved to Denver from Austin three weeks ago.

“This is really bad,” said Dr. Alex Brewer, director of the city’ Health Department.

“I haven’t seen this kind of sick obsession with trite music since the Rick Tedesco Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Fest of 2003.”

Local officials reported that Joe, a talented guitarist, has repeatedly played high doses of irrelevant glam-rock tunes at full blast in the basement of his brother’s house, within range of innocent children.

Brewer said the guitarist has a “sick penchant” for the Van Halen album OU812, which was released in 1988 and is now considered a public health hazard. Medical studies have found the meaningless hard-rock songs from the album, such as “Cabo Wabo” and “Sucka in a Three Piece,” kills brain cells in lab rats and most Tedescos.

Brewer said the same health risks exist no matter who the front man is for Van Halen, whether it’s David Lee Roth or “that one dude from Extreme.”

“Let me put it this way — do you really want ‘Hot for Teacher’ running through your head all day?” Brewer asked. “If you safely avoid these songs, then you got it made, got it made, got it — oh crap.”

By Cooper Tedesco
Guest Columnist and Italian Tough Guy

PUEBLO, Colo. – Alright you knuckleheads. I may be 2 years old but I been around the crib. And I’ve had it up to here with your cutsie high fives and fist pumps.

Yo, pops, why yoo’s stickin out ya fist like I don’t know what to do? Bam! How’s that for a fist pump, pops? I gotcha fist pump right here.

Quit ya cryin’. Go soak your knuckles in some ice, champ, you’ll be alright.

Hey toots, why yoos holdin’ your hand in my face like dat? You want some of this? Bam! That was a high-five squared, baby. If I knew math I’d know what that means. I’m pretty sure it’s bad ass though.

Yo, Uncle John, put down the camera, ya damn paparazzi.

Somebody feed me alreadies, all this work is makin’ me hungry.

Cooper T. out.

DENVER – United Nations officials have called for an end to all hostilities at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, where an innocent game of Candyland turned into a Machiavellian display of political gamesmanship by three cute Tedesco munchkins.

“Yikes,” father Paul Tedesco said as he tried to referee the cuthroat game. “I’m related to these hellraising Napoleans?”

Officials said Tedesco siblings Lili, Gigi and Cole broke numerous United Nations resolutions during the game, which requires participants to race across the board through territories like the Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain.

The young children resorted to tears, devious smiles, and a blatant threat of selling Gigi to the Gingerbread People.

“Guess I better brace myself for tomorrow,” Paul said. “All hell might break loose when we play Chutes and Ladders.”

Kevin Kelly and his family, taking a break between home repair projects

DENVER — A weeklong vacation in Denver to see the family and “chill” suddenly turned into a nightmarish task of grunt work for the Tedesco boys, they announced today at a press conference.

“Dude, it was like … I don’t have the words,” a shaken Joe Tedesco told reporters after the grueling errand.

After taking a drag on a cigarette, Tedesco told the horrible tale.

“We had just settled in for a nice afternoon of playing Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox when the phone rang,” Joe recalled. “Paul answered, I heard him say OK, and he hung up. He was like, ‘Hey, we’re going to help Kevin move some sheet rock into his house.’”

“Kevin” was identified by authorities as Kevin Kelly, Paul’s brother-in-law, who is suspected of cheerfully tackling every conceivable home-repair project known to Man.

“I was thinking, cool, we can carry in a little sheet rock,” Joe said. “But when we pulled up to his house, there was a trailer parked in the driveway with a freakin’ pallet of sheet rock that was taller than me. My muscles ached just looking at the thing.”

The next two excruciating hours were spent hauling each heavy, 12-foot sheet up a windy driveway, into the house, and down a stairway to the basement. When they finished, Kelly left to pick up yet another pile of sheet rock — even though it was well past the Tedesco boys’ afternoon nap time.

“I’ll never forget how Kevin cheerfully smiled during the whole ordeal,” Joe said, dabbing at his eye with a hankie.