Gigi Tedesco (left) and Makenna Cook resemble baby pictures of Joe Tedesco (right) from 1975. The phenomenon baffles scientists

DENVER — A new study has discovered that toddlers Gigi Ramirez Tedesco and Makenna Cook bear a frightening resemblance to the baby pictures of their 33-year-old uncle, Joe Tedesco.

The study, published by researchers at the University of Colorado, found “bizarre” similarities between Joe, a golf fanatic who sells wine and worships the movie “Sideways,” and the two cute little Tedesco girls.

“Frankly, nothing in modern science can explain these similarities,” said Professor Monica LaMont, one of the study’s authors. “At a young age, all three individuals shared the same wildly curly hair and pudgy cheeks. The key question is, why? And what did two innocent girls do to deserve this?”

LaMont said the study found a “strong probability” that the Tedesco munchkins would grow up to resemble Joe in other ways.

“Makenna and Gigi have already been observed eating their own boogers,” LaMont said. “They will probably continue this habit into adulthood, just like their uncle. God help those kids.”

Police say it is unclear why Jennifer Hiller (left) and John Tedesco attacked a crab at Joe’s Crab Shack, horrifying onlookers

SAN ANTONIO — Customers at a crowded restaurant were stunned today after they witnessed a man and woman brandish tiny forks and assault a defenseless crab, causing minor injuries.

Police are searching for the suspects: Jennifer Hiller, 31, and John Tedesco, 29. The pair fled the scene with bits of crab shell and garlic butter on their hands, and they were spotted wearing paper bibs with the slogan: “Let’s Get Cracking.”

Authorities said the victim, a 1-year-old Snow Crab from Dutch Harbor, Alaska, was in stable condition at Santa Rosa Hospital, recovering from superficial stab wounds.

“As of yet, we do not have a clear motive,” said Detective Randy Bower. “The poor crab obviously did nothing to provoke such a brutal attack. This whole case just doesn’t make sense.”

Onlookers at Joe’s Crab Shack, located on the River Walk downtown, were shocked.

“We were sitting right by the guy and his girlfriend and I heard the woman say she was starving,” said witness Teressa Baldwin, whose family was visiting the city from Cleveland.

“Then the waitress brought a cute little crab to their table — you know, to keep them company and lighten the mood. Suddenly, they just went totally ballistic and attacked the crab! It was freaky. They had a crazed, hungry look in their eyes. And the crab was too scared to scurry away.”

Employees of Joe’s Crab Shack immediately called police and the suspects ran. Witnesses said Tedesco and Hiller tried to cover up the crime by cleaning the mess with handi-wipes.

“This was a freak accident. Joe’s Crab Shack is a company of peace, tolerance, and funky T-shirts, not violence,” said Cliff Henderson, regional assistant manager of the restaurant chain, at a press conference near the crime scene.

“If you have any information about the people responsible for this heinous crime, please call authorities,” Henderson added. “We need to get these monsters off the streets.”

LOS ANGELES — Item! Annie Tedesco is starring in a real life movie!

Unlike most Tedescos who seek fame and fortune on YouTube, Cousin Annie is starring in the independent film Suspension, which is now out on DVD!

A reliable source at Blockbuster Video said Annie Tedesco has been featured in all kinds of commercials, like the Superbowl commercial for CareerBuilder.com and the “Mahna Mahna” commercial for Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

What have you done lately, punk?

Item! Britney Spears not drunk …

SEATTLE — Cute munchkin Makenna Cook thrives on adrenaline and has already begun a rigorous training regimen to compete on “Fear Factor,” her parents announced at a press conference today.

“Makenna laughs at things that would make other kids burst into tears,” said her mother, Kristin. “When her uncle visited us in Seattle, she actually smiled at him. Most kids run away from John when they see him, so that’s pretty amazing.”

Kristin told reporters Makenna will compete in “Fear Factor” as soon as she reaches the legal age of 18.

“I know they canceled the show, but hopefully it becomes popular again because Makenna is a shoe-in,” she said.

“Makenna already knows how to eat bugs,” Kristin said. “And she’s not afraid of the way I drive, so she’ll be able to handle the stunt cars, no problem.”