WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch.

“Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs $30.”

Officials said Gigi has been honing her telemarketing skills for years, calling relatives on her parents’ cell phone at all hours of the day. They estimate the Tedesco munchkin has grossed $1.2 million in illicit sales from Grandma Jan alone.

SAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States.

“We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with the U.S. Census Bureau who was assigned to specifically keep track of the Tedesco crime family.

“Somewhere around Gigi and Lili, I got confused and gave up on counting all these cute deviants,” Martin added.

Officials said Pete was born this week with the telltale Tedesco traits: Charming good looks and a devious personality.

“I heard Pete’s parents were changing his diapers at 2 a.m. last night,” Martin said. “And just when they had finished, Pete went wee wee and they had to start all over again. That’s the kind of threat this country faces if the Tedesco population grows unabated, folks.”