PUEBLO, Colo. — Witnesses on a fishing trip were perplexed by the terrified shrieking and yelping of toddler Cooper Tedesco, who encountered a harmless hooked fish today.

“Not too many Tedescos are outdoorsmen, and apparently, neither is Cooper judging by his cries of horror,” his father Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference.

“Frankly, that slimy fish was pretty disgusting,” Mike said with a shudder. “I wanted to scream and run around in circles too but luckily I kept myself under control.

“Ewwwwwww,” Mike added.

Authorities say these bizarre creatures spotted at the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco are ‘almost assuredly’ peaceful

PUEBLO, Colo. — The Department of Homeland Security was on high alert today after nervous residents reported strange creatures roaming their neighborhoods on Halloween night.

Agency spokesman Donald Hinkledore assured the public that a giant dragon and spooky witch spotted in Colorado were “almost assuredly” peaceful.

“So far, no one has been harmed by these cute little monsters,” Hinkledore announced at a press conference. “As a precaution, we have elevated our national risk level from ‘Periwinkle’ to ‘Taupe.’ You know what to do with that information, America.”

Hinkledore said citizens should “duck and cover” if they see a witch cast a spell at them. He also denied a report in today’s edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a hungry dragon attacking bags of defenseless candy.

“The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence,” Hinkledore said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. “All is well.

“But if you happen to be outside, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear a full-body flame-retardant suit, just in case.”

UPDATE — Halloween pics of Makenna, Lili, Gigi and Cole:

Cooper Tedesco resists eating his spaghetti breakfast

DENVER — Family members of Cooper Tedesco, 2, announced today they were concerned with his refusal to enjoy the main food groups of any good Italian: spaghetti, spaghetti, and spaghetti.

“I really don’t get it,” Cooper’s father, Mike, told reporters at a press conference. “By my calculations, Cooper’s only eaten half his body weight in spaghetti for the week. He’s way behind schedule.”

For several generations, all Tedesco children have been placed on a strict regimen of spaghetti, whether they liked it or not. An archived home movie of Dad as a child in the 1950s shows his aunt asking him if he wanted another serving of spaghetti at a dinner gathering. The young Tedesco shook his head no, and the aunt promptly dumped a ladle full of spaghetti on his plate.

“With spaghetti, all Tedesco kids like it at first,” Dad said. “But after the first few hundred servings, that first phase of enjoyment gives way to denial, then anger. It looks like Cooper is in that stage now.

“Slowly, after a thousand servings or so, we all learn to accept spaghetti,” Dad added. “Then, finally, we enter the final phase of forgiveness.

“Anyone for seconds?”

By Cooper Tedesco
Guest Columnist and Italian Tough Guy

PUEBLO, Colo. – Alright you knuckleheads. I may be 2 years old but I been around the crib. And I’ve had it up to here with your cutsie high fives and fist pumps.

Yo, pops, why yoo’s stickin out ya fist like I don’t know what to do? Bam! How’s that for a fist pump, pops? I gotcha fist pump right here.

Quit ya cryin’. Go soak your knuckles in some ice, champ, you’ll be alright.

Hey toots, why yoos holdin’ your hand in my face like dat? You want some of this? Bam! That was a high-five squared, baby. If I knew math I’d know what that means. I’m pretty sure it’s bad ass though.

Yo, Uncle John, put down the camera, ya damn paparazzi.

Somebody feed me alreadies, all this work is makin’ me hungry.

Cooper T. out.