DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

SEATTLE — The Pentagon confirmed today that the military is studying the tactics of the Tedesco family, whose members have been surprising one another for years in unannounced “black ops” visits.

“We are learning that the Tedescos are truly the masters of ‘Shock and Awe’ tactics,” said General Scott Anderson.

“Tedesco family members live in secret, secure locations throughout the United States,” Anderson said. “Yet somehow when they visit each other, they successfully plot elaborate conspiracies to make it a big surprise. Our Navy Seals are learning tons just watching the Tedescos in action.”

Anderson listed several examples of what he said were flawless missions.

Most recently, John Tedesco, 27, drove to Seattle to visit his kid sister, Kristin. John contacted his sources in the Tedesco intelligence community and hatched a plan with Kristin’s husband, Garrett Cook, to surprise Kristin at a dinner. The result: Kristin was surprised, and no casualties were reported.

A few months before that mission, Kristin surprised her Mom in Denver for Mother’s Day. Before that mission, Aunt Sue flew in friends and family members to surprise her son in Austin. Before that mission, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco drove 12 hours from Kansas to Texas to surprise their family in Corpus Christi for Christmas. Before that mission, John, Joe, and their cousin concocted a secret plan to have Dad and Uncle John run into each other in Austin.

Anderson said the list goes on and on.

“Most people might be asking, ‘What’s wrong with this family?’” Anderson said. “The answer is, I don’t know. They’re twisted. But they’re the best.”

SEATTLE — Researchers announced today they were stunned by the calming effect Elvis songs have on Makenna Cook, a fussy Tedesco munchkin who is driving her parents crazy.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Theo Lewis, a professor of childhood development at the University of Washington who visited the home of Garrett and Kristin Cook to study their daughter.

“Our research shows most babies like quiet lullabies,” Lewis said. “But Makenna only calms down when she hears ear-splitting tunes performed by a pill-popping rocker, like Elvis and Johnny Cash. Clearly, something in her Tedesco genetic code is causing this fixation.”

Lewis predicted little Makenna will be jamming to rock songs with her uncles in the basement of Paul Tedesco’s house by preschool.