DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

ANAHEIM, Calif. — In a heartbreaking scene at Disneyland today, Cole Ramirez Tedesco was torn between his two best friends forever — astronaut Buzz Lightyear and racing car Lightning McQueen.

“Buzz and Lightning begged Cole to be his BFF,” Cole’s mother, Georgia, told reporters at a press conference today. “Cole wishes to inform the public that he can’t yet decide who his BFF will be.”

The conflict sparked a tense standoff between Lightyear and McQueen, who sources say have frequently competed for Cole’s attention at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco in Denver, Colo. McQueen’s corporate sponsor, Rust-eze, threatened to drop its sponsorship unless the dispute was settled.

The tension worsened when Cole’s sisters, Gigi and Lili, announced they wanted to be friends not only with Lightyear and McQueen, but also with a pale, sleepy woman sources identified as Snow White, and various unnamed Disney princesses.

“It was a freakin’ soap opera,” an exasperated Georgia announced.

Click here for more cool pictures of the trip to Disneyland.

Lili Ramirez Tedesco being escorted to school with her bodyguard

DENVER — Lili Ramirez Tedesco, 5, easily breezed through her first week of kindergarten while her mother, Georgia, suffered a nervous breakdown, according to an e-mail obtained today exclusively by the Tedesco Times.

Writing about her daughter’s first day of school, Georgia wrote: “She had not a single bit of anxiety, there was no hesitation, she didn’t even look back. She walked inside that room anticipating whatever was inside.”

But Georgia herself didn’t fare so well and has bombarded her daughter with questions about school. “She even told me the other day: ‘I already told you I am fine why do you keep asking me that?’” Georgia noted.

The e-mail offers a rare glimpse at a secretive family in the witness protection program that lives somewhere on the outskirts of Denver. Little is known about the Tedescos, other than the children are cute little geniuses suspected of embezzling millions of dollars in pyramid schemes.