DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch.

“Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs $30.”

Officials said Gigi has been honing her telemarketing skills for years, calling relatives on her parents’ cell phone at all hours of the day. They estimate the Tedesco munchkin has grossed $1.2 million in illicit sales from Grandma Jan alone.

DENVER — Local toddler Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, would like to interest you in a subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine for the low-low price of $5.99 a month, Gigi announced in a dinner-time telephone call to relatives today.

Get the latest fashions and catch up on the latest-celebrity gossip, Gigi said during the unsolicited long-distance telephone call that she totally dialed without anyone’s help.

“I can get you a vewy special deal,” Gigi said while in the background her mother, Georgia, expressed outrage that Gigi was using the cell phone again.

How Gigi, who can’t read, was able to figure out the phone numbers of her aunts and uncles could not be ascertained by press time.

Authorities say these bizarre creatures spotted at the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco are ‘almost assuredly’ peaceful

PUEBLO, Colo. — The Department of Homeland Security was on high alert today after nervous residents reported strange creatures roaming their neighborhoods on Halloween night.

Agency spokesman Donald Hinkledore assured the public that a giant dragon and spooky witch spotted in Colorado were “almost assuredly” peaceful.

“So far, no one has been harmed by these cute little monsters,” Hinkledore announced at a press conference. “As a precaution, we have elevated our national risk level from ‘Periwinkle’ to ‘Taupe.’ You know what to do with that information, America.”

Hinkledore said citizens should “duck and cover” if they see a witch cast a spell at them. He also denied a report in today’s edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a hungry dragon attacking bags of defenseless candy.

“The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence,” Hinkledore said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. “All is well.

“But if you happen to be outside, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear a full-body flame-retardant suit, just in case.”

UPDATE — Halloween pics of Makenna, Lili, Gigi and Cole:

Gigi Tedesco (left) and Makenna Cook resemble baby pictures of Joe Tedesco (right) from 1975. The phenomenon baffles scientists

DENVER — A new study has discovered that toddlers Gigi Ramirez Tedesco and Makenna Cook bear a frightening resemblance to the baby pictures of their 33-year-old uncle, Joe Tedesco.

The study, published by researchers at the University of Colorado, found “bizarre” similarities between Joe, a golf fanatic who sells wine and worships the movie “Sideways,” and the two cute little Tedesco girls.

“Frankly, nothing in modern science can explain these similarities,” said Professor Monica LaMont, one of the study’s authors. “At a young age, all three individuals shared the same wildly curly hair and pudgy cheeks. The key question is, why? And what did two innocent girls do to deserve this?”

LaMont said the study found a “strong probability” that the Tedesco munchkins would grow up to resemble Joe in other ways.

“Makenna and Gigi have already been observed eating their own boogers,” LaMont said. “They will probably continue this habit into adulthood, just like their uncle. God help those kids.”

Gigi Ramirez Tedesco poses in a new housing subdivision built by developer Paul Tedesco

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.”

Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at a press conference today.

“When I bought the raw materials for this new development at Costco, at first I thought it was just a simple play set,” Paul told reporters.

“It turns out you need an engineering degree to build the thing. Took me months,” Paul said. “But it was totally worth it. Every kid in the neighborhood wants to move into my new development, and the value of my backyard has increased 500 percent.”

Paul said he’s “really getting into this real estate thing” and plans to pave over the rest of his backyard, continue expanding, and offer low-interest mortgages to children until the housing bubble bursts.

Gigi Tedesco, a member of the Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER – Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation.

“At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed our indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Hucksley said the Tedesco girls have rapidly learned to finagle their parents into paying outrageous sums of money on inanimate, soulless stuffed animals.

“Every piece of fluffy stuffing that a Tedesco tyke orders for her bear is a dollar that’s been fleeced by a hapless parent,” Hucksley happily noted.

With the recent birth of yet another Tedesco girl, Makenna, Hucksley predicted that by the year 2009, the company will successfully complete its plans of world domination.

DENVER – United Nations officials have called for an end to all hostilities at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, where an innocent game of Candyland turned into a Machiavellian display of political gamesmanship by three cute Tedesco munchkins.

“Yikes,” father Paul Tedesco said as he tried to referee the cuthroat game. “I’m related to these hellraising Napoleans?”

Officials said Tedesco siblings Lili, Gigi and Cole broke numerous United Nations resolutions during the game, which requires participants to race across the board through territories like the Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain.

The young children resorted to tears, devious smiles, and a blatant threat of selling Gigi to the Gingerbread People.

“Guess I better brace myself for tomorrow,” Paul said. “All hell might break loose when we play Chutes and Ladders.”