DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

SAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States.

“We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with the U.S. Census Bureau who was assigned to specifically keep track of the Tedesco crime family.

“Somewhere around Gigi and Lili, I got confused and gave up on counting all these cute deviants,” Martin added.

Officials said Pete was born this week with the telltale Tedesco traits: Charming good looks and a devious personality.

“I heard Pete’s parents were changing his diapers at 2 a.m. last night,” Martin said. “And just when they had finished, Pete went wee wee and they had to start all over again. That’s the kind of threat this country faces if the Tedesco population grows unabated, folks.”

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities armed with a search warrant raided the home today of Jennifer “Magic Hands” Hiller, 28, who was accused of operating an unlicensed massage parlor for kitty cats.

“We have video footage of the suspect petting a cute little kitty cat in her home,” said police Sgt. Bruce Reiner. “The cat was enjoying the massage session so much, it’s highly probable that some kind of Texas law was broken.”

The Tedesco baby, 30 years from now

“The ultrasound clearly showed that John and Jennifer are going to have a boy,” said Glenda Hodgkins, the nurse who performed the ultrasound this morning at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio.

“I saw the classic traits of a Tedesco guy: The strong jaw, dreamy eyes, and thick, flowing locks of hair.”

Jen and John's future baby

Hodgkins then tore her eyes from the sonogram photos and fanned her flushed face. “Whew! is it hot in here or what?” she asked no one in particular.

The flustered nurse concluded: “This kid’s testosterone levels are way off the charts. Hot nurses are already asking for his phone number, so they can look him up in 20 years. Clearly, this kid is a Tedesco.”

Police say it is unclear why Jennifer Hiller (left) and John Tedesco attacked a crab at Joe’s Crab Shack, horrifying onlookers

SAN ANTONIO — Customers at a crowded restaurant were stunned today after they witnessed a man and woman brandish tiny forks and assault a defenseless crab, causing minor injuries.

Police are searching for the suspects: Jennifer Hiller, 31, and John Tedesco, 29. The pair fled the scene with bits of crab shell and garlic butter on their hands, and they were spotted wearing paper bibs with the slogan: “Let’s Get Cracking.”

Authorities said the victim, a 1-year-old Snow Crab from Dutch Harbor, Alaska, was in stable condition at Santa Rosa Hospital, recovering from superficial stab wounds.

“As of yet, we do not have a clear motive,” said Detective Randy Bower. “The poor crab obviously did nothing to provoke such a brutal attack. This whole case just doesn’t make sense.”

Onlookers at Joe’s Crab Shack, located on the River Walk downtown, were shocked.

“We were sitting right by the guy and his girlfriend and I heard the woman say she was starving,” said witness Teressa Baldwin, whose family was visiting the city from Cleveland.

“Then the waitress brought a cute little crab to their table — you know, to keep them company and lighten the mood. Suddenly, they just went totally ballistic and attacked the crab! It was freaky. They had a crazed, hungry look in their eyes. And the crab was too scared to scurry away.”

Employees of Joe’s Crab Shack immediately called police and the suspects ran. Witnesses said Tedesco and Hiller tried to cover up the crime by cleaning the mess with handi-wipes.

“This was a freak accident. Joe’s Crab Shack is a company of peace, tolerance, and funky T-shirts, not violence,” said Cliff Henderson, regional assistant manager of the restaurant chain, at a press conference near the crime scene.

“If you have any information about the people responsible for this heinous crime, please call authorities,” Henderson added. “We need to get these monsters off the streets.”

John Tedesco (left) heard Jennifer Hiller (right) disparage a totally kick-ass movie

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities are investigating allegations that Tedesco girlfriend Jennifer Hiller questioned the sheer awesomeness of a new movie starring Italian actors Al Pacino and Robert De Niro by asking: “who cares?”

Hiller, 28, is suspected of making the hurtful comment in front of her boyfriend, John Tedesco, 29, who is recovering from his emotional injuries at Santa Rosa Hospital.

“From what we can gather, Mr. Tedesco was at the home of Ms. Hiller watching TV when the crime occurred,” Detective Robert Martin told reporters at a press conference today.

“A trailer for the movie “Righteous Kill” starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro came on,” Martin said. “Mr. Tedesco immediately recognized how totally kick ass this movie will be, considering it is the only film since “Heat” that stars both Pacino and De Niro. In accordance with all local and federal statutes, Mr. Tedesco notified his girlfriend of the movie’s historic importance and mind-blowing awesomeness.”

According to a recording of a 911 call released today at a press conference, Hiller replied with the hurtful comment: “Who cares?”

“Obviously, Mr. Tedesco was shattered,” Martin said. “Poor guy.”

Authorities say Hiller has a long track record of disparaging kick-ass movies.

On May 29, 2008, Hiller was investigated for rolling her eyes and saying, “Do we have to watch this every time?” after Tedesco was channel surfing and discovered “Good Fellas.” No charges were filed against Hiller.

Hiller was also accused of failing to dutifully watch each episode of “The Godfather” and its equally kick-ass sequel, “The Godfather II,” which are on TV on almost a weekly basis. The findings of that investigation are pending.

“Clearly, there’s a pattern of criminal behavior here,” Martin said.

Hiller’s attorney told reporters that if this is the only thing Tedesco can complain about, then Hiller must be a pretty good catch.