DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said.

“I can confirm that the jam session was totally kickin’ until Joe screwed up ‘Eruption,’” said Police Spokesman Hewbert McDonald of the Denver Police Department.

“You know that part when Eddie plays a boat-load of sixteenth notes? Well, Joe played an eighth note instead of a sixteenth note. You can imagine how that ruined the vibe of the whole evening.”

Band members immediately called 911 to report the crime.

McDonald said it was unclear whether Joe, a perfectionist who insists on making no mistakes, will ever recover from the error. It was also unclear whether Joe would be able to post bond.

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine.

“My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today.

“Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about, without really saying anything of substance.”

Here are Joe’s favorite empty phrases, based on his years of experience in the wine industry, his voracious reading of every issue of Wine Spectator, and studying past press conferences of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara:

“Hmm. I’m getting petroleum on the nose with notes of diesel. Probably unleaded.”

“Woof, that’s a fat cab. Certainly Jenny Craig caliber.”

“Oh man, get a whiff of that napalm.”

“I’m getting acres and acres of earthy loam.”

“This has potential to be grippy, but it needs a few more hours of CPR.”

“Hmm, I’m getting a real fruity zing of strawberries, bananas, coconut … oh crap, this is a pina colada.”

“You can make up your own sayings and post them on the Tedesco Times,” Joe suggested to his loyal fans. “Maybe you’ll be creative as me! But I doubt it.”

DENVER — In a hallowed tradition eagerly awaited by sports fans across the globe, Tedesco guys are gearing up for Turkey Bowl XXVIIVX on Thanksgiving Day.

“The Tedesco Turkey Bowls are the grittiest games of touch football known to mankind,” said wide receiver Mike Tedesco as he smoked a cigarette in preparation for the big day.

“These games play out on the tundra of cold, God-forsaken places like Spokane, Washington, or Lawrence, Kansas,” Mike said wistfully. “Serbian prisoners have nightmares about about these places. But that’s where the Tedescos gather to do battle.”

The annual Turkey Bowl requires a rigorous training regimen.

“I’ve been carbo-loading for the past year getting ready for Turkey Bowl,” said defensive lineman Paul Tedesco. “That’s why I bought this huge keg of Sam Adams and drank religiously from it every day.”

This year, the Dallas Cowboys and Seattle Seahawks play on Thanksgiving Day. But true sports fans know that the Turkey Bowl is the game to watch.

“Every year it’s the same drill,” Dad said. “Joe tries in in vain to get open. Paul stands there with his hands in his pockets to keep his fingers warm. I throw to somebody, and then we chase the guy who intercepts the ball.”

Perhaps the bravest warriors on the gridiron are the few spectators who gather for this venerable annual tradition — Tedesco women.

“Christ, you wouldn’t believe how freakin’ cold and boring it is,” said Cousin Anna, wincing at the thought of having to watch her Dad, brother and cousins attempt to play football. “I think I’m going to bring a flask this year to at least try and make this entertaining.”

Gigi Tedesco (left) and Makenna Cook resemble baby pictures of Joe Tedesco (right) from 1975. The phenomenon baffles scientists

DENVER — A new study has discovered that toddlers Gigi Ramirez Tedesco and Makenna Cook bear a frightening resemblance to the baby pictures of their 33-year-old uncle, Joe Tedesco.

The study, published by researchers at the University of Colorado, found “bizarre” similarities between Joe, a golf fanatic who sells wine and worships the movie “Sideways,” and the two cute little Tedesco girls.

“Frankly, nothing in modern science can explain these similarities,” said Professor Monica LaMont, one of the study’s authors. “At a young age, all three individuals shared the same wildly curly hair and pudgy cheeks. The key question is, why? And what did two innocent girls do to deserve this?”

LaMont said the study found a “strong probability” that the Tedesco munchkins would grow up to resemble Joe in other ways.

“Makenna and Gigi have already been observed eating their own boogers,” LaMont said. “They will probably continue this habit into adulthood, just like their uncle. God help those kids.”

DENVER – Health officials warned residents today to avoid dangerously high levels of Van Halen, Joe Satriani, and other 1980s rockers whose songs have been played virtually nonstop since the arrival of guitarist Joe Tedesco, who moved to Denver from Austin three weeks ago.

“This is really bad,” said Dr. Alex Brewer, director of the city’ Health Department.

“I haven’t seen this kind of sick obsession with trite music since the Rick Tedesco Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Fest of 2003.”

Local officials reported that Joe, a talented guitarist, has repeatedly played high doses of irrelevant glam-rock tunes at full blast in the basement of his brother’s house, within range of innocent children.

Brewer said the guitarist has a “sick penchant” for the Van Halen album OU812, which was released in 1988 and is now considered a public health hazard. Medical studies have found the meaningless hard-rock songs from the album, such as “Cabo Wabo” and “Sucka in a Three Piece,” kills brain cells in lab rats and most Tedescos.

Brewer said the same health risks exist no matter who the front man is for Van Halen, whether it’s David Lee Roth or “that one dude from Extreme.”

“Let me put it this way — do you really want ‘Hot for Teacher’ running through your head all day?” Brewer asked. “If you safely avoid these songs, then you got it made, got it made, got it — oh crap.”

Kevin Kelly and his family, taking a break between home repair projects

DENVER — A weeklong vacation in Denver to see the family and “chill” suddenly turned into a nightmarish task of grunt work for the Tedesco boys, they announced today at a press conference.

“Dude, it was like … I don’t have the words,” a shaken Joe Tedesco told reporters after the grueling errand.

After taking a drag on a cigarette, Tedesco told the horrible tale.

“We had just settled in for a nice afternoon of playing Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox when the phone rang,” Joe recalled. “Paul answered, I heard him say OK, and he hung up. He was like, ‘Hey, we’re going to help Kevin move some sheet rock into his house.’”

“Kevin” was identified by authorities as Kevin Kelly, Paul’s brother-in-law, who is suspected of cheerfully tackling every conceivable home-repair project known to Man.

“I was thinking, cool, we can carry in a little sheet rock,” Joe said. “But when we pulled up to his house, there was a trailer parked in the driveway with a freakin’ pallet of sheet rock that was taller than me. My muscles ached just looking at the thing.”

The next two excruciating hours were spent hauling each heavy, 12-foot sheet up a windy driveway, into the house, and down a stairway to the basement. When they finished, Kelly left to pick up yet another pile of sheet rock — even though it was well past the Tedesco boys’ afternoon nap time.

“I’ll never forget how Kevin cheerfully smiled during the whole ordeal,” Joe said, dabbing at his eye with a hankie.