DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

Authorities say these bizarre creatures spotted at the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco are ‘almost assuredly’ peaceful

PUEBLO, Colo. — The Department of Homeland Security was on high alert today after nervous residents reported strange creatures roaming their neighborhoods on Halloween night.

Agency spokesman Donald Hinkledore assured the public that a giant dragon and spooky witch spotted in Colorado were “almost assuredly” peaceful.

“So far, no one has been harmed by these cute little monsters,” Hinkledore announced at a press conference. “As a precaution, we have elevated our national risk level from ‘Periwinkle’ to ‘Taupe.’ You know what to do with that information, America.”

Hinkledore said citizens should “duck and cover” if they see a witch cast a spell at them. He also denied a report in today’s edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a hungry dragon attacking bags of defenseless candy.

“The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence,” Hinkledore said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. “All is well.

“But if you happen to be outside, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear a full-body flame-retardant suit, just in case.”

UPDATE — Halloween pics of Makenna, Lili, Gigi and Cole:

Lili Ramirez Tedesco being escorted to school with her bodyguard

DENVER — Lili Ramirez Tedesco, 5, easily breezed through her first week of kindergarten while her mother, Georgia, suffered a nervous breakdown, according to an e-mail obtained today exclusively by the Tedesco Times.

Writing about her daughter’s first day of school, Georgia wrote: “She had not a single bit of anxiety, there was no hesitation, she didn’t even look back. She walked inside that room anticipating whatever was inside.”

But Georgia herself didn’t fare so well and has bombarded her daughter with questions about school. “She even told me the other day: ‘I already told you I am fine why do you keep asking me that?’” Georgia noted.

The e-mail offers a rare glimpse at a secretive family in the witness protection program that lives somewhere on the outskirts of Denver. Little is known about the Tedescos, other than the children are cute little geniuses suspected of embezzling millions of dollars in pyramid schemes.

Gigi Ramirez Tedesco poses in a new housing subdivision built by developer Paul Tedesco

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.”

Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at a press conference today.

“When I bought the raw materials for this new development at Costco, at first I thought it was just a simple play set,” Paul told reporters.

“It turns out you need an engineering degree to build the thing. Took me months,” Paul said. “But it was totally worth it. Every kid in the neighborhood wants to move into my new development, and the value of my backyard has increased 500 percent.”

Paul said he’s “really getting into this real estate thing” and plans to pave over the rest of his backyard, continue expanding, and offer low-interest mortgages to children until the housing bubble bursts.

Gigi Tedesco, a member of the Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER – Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation.

“At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed our indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Hucksley said the Tedesco girls have rapidly learned to finagle their parents into paying outrageous sums of money on inanimate, soulless stuffed animals.

“Every piece of fluffy stuffing that a Tedesco tyke orders for her bear is a dollar that’s been fleeced by a hapless parent,” Hucksley happily noted.

With the recent birth of yet another Tedesco girl, Makenna, Hucksley predicted that by the year 2009, the company will successfully complete its plans of world domination.

DENVER – United Nations officials have called for an end to all hostilities at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, where an innocent game of Candyland turned into a Machiavellian display of political gamesmanship by three cute Tedesco munchkins.

“Yikes,” father Paul Tedesco said as he tried to referee the cuthroat game. “I’m related to these hellraising Napoleans?”

Officials said Tedesco siblings Lili, Gigi and Cole broke numerous United Nations resolutions during the game, which requires participants to race across the board through territories like the Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain.

The young children resorted to tears, devious smiles, and a blatant threat of selling Gigi to the Gingerbread People.

“Guess I better brace myself for tomorrow,” Paul said. “All hell might break loose when we play Chutes and Ladders.”