Maddy Tedesco, suspected boy talker

PUEBO, Colo. — At a press conference today, Maddy Tedesco vehemently denied allegations in the Tedesco Times that she and her friends talked about boys at Maddy’s birthday party.

“Hey why did you say we were talking about boys?” Maddy, 10, wrote in a comment in the Tedesco Times, a Pewlitzer-prize winning publication that tracks the exploits of the Tedesco crime family.

Maddy’s claims were contradicted by her own mother, Caitlin, who told reporters: “I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard. The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The ages and identities of the boys discussed at the birthday party are still unknown.

Maddy Tedesco, right, allegedly held top secret discussions with her friends about boys, her mother claims

PUEBLO, Colo — A birthday party for Maddy Tedesco, 10, was allegedly focused on top-secret talks about boys, sources told the Tedesco Times today.

“I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard,” Maddy’s mother, Caitlin, told reporters at a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The secret talks allegedly occurred at Maddy’s birthday party, where she and her friends had pillow fights, swam, and had makeovers at the Marriott.

The identities of the boys discussed in the secret talks were unknown. Maddy’s legal team declined to comment on the matter.

Authorities say these bizarre creatures spotted at the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco are ‘almost assuredly’ peaceful

PUEBLO, Colo. — The Department of Homeland Security was on high alert today after nervous residents reported strange creatures roaming their neighborhoods on Halloween night.

Agency spokesman Donald Hinkledore assured the public that a giant dragon and spooky witch spotted in Colorado were “almost assuredly” peaceful.

“So far, no one has been harmed by these cute little monsters,” Hinkledore announced at a press conference. “As a precaution, we have elevated our national risk level from ‘Periwinkle’ to ‘Taupe.’ You know what to do with that information, America.”

Hinkledore said citizens should “duck and cover” if they see a witch cast a spell at them. He also denied a report in today’s edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a hungry dragon attacking bags of defenseless candy.

“The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence,” Hinkledore said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. “All is well.

“But if you happen to be outside, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear a full-body flame-retardant suit, just in case.”

UPDATE — Halloween pics of Makenna, Lili, Gigi and Cole:

PUEBLO, Colo. — A local man was hospitalized today after Olympic athlete Maddy Tedesco trounced him in a cutthroat game of Ping Pong, in preparation for this year’s Summer Olympics in China.

“Sweet Jesus! What hit me?” asked Maddy’s uncle, John Tedesco, 26, shortly after he was struck in the forehead with a ping pong ball clocked at 98 mph.

“I just remember seeing the ball streaking towards me like a bullet, and then I heard a little girl’s diabolical laughter,” he said as paramedics wheeled him away.

As the youngest athlete to enter the Ping Pong event at the Olympics, Maddy has embarked on a rigorous training regimen to hone her deadly Ping Pong skills, said her trainers and parents, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco.

“Frankly, Maddy is like a little ninja at the Ping Pong table,” said Caitlin, who witnessed the match between Maddy and her uncle.

“Maddy can aim those Ping Pong balls with pinpoint precision. They’re like deadly, poison-tipped shuriken, only they’re round and made of plastic.

“I’m surprised Uncle John even survived.”

Gigi Tedesco, a member of the Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER – Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation.

“At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed our indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Hucksley said the Tedesco girls have rapidly learned to finagle their parents into paying outrageous sums of money on inanimate, soulless stuffed animals.

“Every piece of fluffy stuffing that a Tedesco tyke orders for her bear is a dollar that’s been fleeced by a hapless parent,” Hucksley happily noted.

With the recent birth of yet another Tedesco girl, Makenna, Hucksley predicted that by the year 2009, the company will successfully complete its plans of world domination.