“At Build-a-Bear, Tedesco girls are our best friends,” company spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our new best friend is Makenna, who completed our cult-like indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful, hypnotic allure of Build-A-Bear stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Authorities believed Makenna, 2, was too young too join the Build-A-Bear cult. But that all changed one night in Denver, when Makenna’s aunt, Georgia Ramirez, was baby sitting all the Tedesco kids.

“As we all know, Build-A-Bear wouldn’t be where it is today — infiltrating the hearts and minds of millions of cute kids — without Georgia,” Hucksley said. “Her kids have risen rapidly through the ranks of Build-A-Bear — Gigi is already a Grand Poo Bear. So Georgia took them all to the mall so Makenna could drink the Kool-Aid — I mean, enjoy an unforgettable experience at Build-A-Bear.”

As a Class 1 neophyte of the Great Bear, Makenna can now sign up for the company’s virtual training camp, Build-A-Bearsville, which teaches enthralled kids to spend their parents money for years and years.

DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

Agency spokesman Donald Hinkledore assured the public that a giant dragon and spooky witch spotted in Colorado were “almost assuredly” peaceful.

“So far, no one has been harmed by these cute little monsters,” Hinkledore announced at a press conference. “As a precaution, we have elevated our national risk level from ‘Periwinkle’ to ‘Taupe.’ You know what to do with that information, America.”

Hinkledore said citizens should “duck and cover” if they see a witch cast a spell at them. He also denied a report in today’s edition of the New York Times that the North American Air Defense Command at Cheyenne Mountain had spotted a hungry dragon attacking bags of defenseless candy.

“The fact that we launched a squadron of F-16 interceptors from Buckley Air Force Base was merely a coincidence,” Hinkledore said as he laughed nervously and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. “All is well.

“But if you happen to be outside, I suggest you make a bold fashion statement today and wear a full-body flame-retardant suit, just in case.”

UPDATE — Halloween pics of Makenna, Lili, Gigi and Cole:

Gigi Tedesco (left) and Makenna Cook resemble baby pictures of Joe Tedesco (right) from 1975. The phenomenon baffles scientists

DENVER — A new study has discovered that toddlers Gigi Ramirez Tedesco and Makenna Cook bear a frightening resemblance to the baby pictures of their 33-year-old uncle, Joe Tedesco.

The study, published by researchers at the University of Colorado, found “bizarre” similarities between Joe, a golf fanatic who sells wine and worships the movie “Sideways,” and the two cute little Tedesco girls.

“Frankly, nothing in modern science can explain these similarities,” said Professor Monica LaMont, one of the study’s authors. “At a young age, all three individuals shared the same wildly curly hair and pudgy cheeks. The key question is, why? And what did two innocent girls do to deserve this?”

LaMont said the study found a “strong probability” that the Tedesco munchkins would grow up to resemble Joe in other ways.

“Makenna and Gigi have already been observed eating their own boogers,” LaMont said. “They will probably continue this habit into adulthood, just like their uncle. God help those kids.”

SEATTLE — Cute munchkin Makenna Cook thrives on adrenaline and has already begun a rigorous training regimen to compete on “Fear Factor,” her parents announced at a press conference today.

“Makenna laughs at things that would make other kids burst into tears,” said her mother, Kristin. “When her uncle visited us in Seattle, she actually smiled at him. Most kids run away from John when they see him, so that’s pretty amazing.”

Kristin told reporters Makenna will compete in “Fear Factor” as soon as she reaches the legal age of 18.

“I know they canceled the show, but hopefully it becomes popular again because Makenna is a shoe-in,” she said.

“Makenna already knows how to eat bugs,” Kristin said. “And she’s not afraid of the way I drive, so she’ll be able to handle the stunt cars, no problem.”

SEATTLE — Researchers announced today they were stunned by the calming effect Elvis songs have on Makenna Cook, a fussy Tedesco munchkin who is driving her parents crazy.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Theo Lewis, a professor of childhood development at the University of Washington who visited the home of Garrett and Kristin Cook to study their daughter.

“Our research shows most babies like quiet lullabies,” Lewis said. “But Makenna only calms down when she hears ear-splitting tunes performed by a pill-popping rocker, like Elvis and Johnny Cash. Clearly, something in her Tedesco genetic code is causing this fixation.”

Lewis predicted little Makenna will be jamming to rock songs with her uncles in the basement of Paul Tedesco’s house by preschool.

Gigi Tedesco, a member of the Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER – Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation.

“At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed our indoctrination process with flying colors.

“All hail the Great Bear!” Hucksley added.

Company revenues have swelled ever since the Tedesco kids discovered the colorful stores, which offer myriad ways to get children hooked on customizing cuddly teddy bears.

Hucksley said the Tedesco girls have rapidly learned to finagle their parents into paying outrageous sums of money on inanimate, soulless stuffed animals.

“Every piece of fluffy stuffing that a Tedesco tyke orders for her bear is a dollar that’s been fleeced by a hapless parent,” Hucksley happily noted.

With the recent birth of yet another Tedesco girl, Makenna, Hucksley predicted that by the year 2009, the company will successfully complete its plans of world domination.