PUEBLO, Colo. — Witnesses on a fishing trip were perplexed by the terrified shrieking and yelping of toddler Cooper Tedesco, who encountered a harmless hooked fish today.

“Not too many Tedescos are outdoorsmen, and apparently, neither is Cooper judging by his cries of horror,” his father Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference.

“Frankly, that slimy fish was pretty disgusting,” Mike said with a shudder. “I wanted to scream and run around in circles too but luckily I kept myself under control.

“Ewwwwwww,” Mike added.

Schools across the country braced for the impact of Mike Tedesco’s new tell-all book, “City Boy,” which could cause thousands of college students in the urban-planning field to rethink their majors.

“Dude, like, from what I hear, urban-planning totally sucks,” said grad student Brandon Frasier, who is working towards his masters in urban planning at the University of Kansas.

“City Boy” is about Mike’s early days working as a planner in Colorado. The publisher says of the book:

In the world of municipal politics, truth is stranger than fiction and there is no truth stranger than La Blanca Gente, Colorado. In this striking first book, the author weaves between the anecdotal and the academic to sew a grand comic farce as he unveils the curtain over the tactics employed by government employees to achieve their own ends. Tragic? Absurd? Harrowing? Indeed, and City Boy serves as a lesson on what not to do when confronted by those who are just dumb enough to take you down. Throw your Urban Planning and Public Administration text books out the window because in the world of municipal politics you better be ready for a street fight.

“‘Street fight?’ ‘Harrowing?’ I think I chose the wrong profession,” Frasier said. “Look what happened to Mike.”

DENVER — In a hallowed tradition eagerly awaited by sports fans across the globe, Tedesco guys are gearing up for Turkey Bowl XXVIIVX on Thanksgiving Day.

“The Tedesco Turkey Bowls are the grittiest games of touch football known to mankind,” said wide receiver Mike Tedesco as he smoked a cigarette in preparation for the big day.

“These games play out on the tundra of cold, God-forsaken places like Spokane, Washington, or Lawrence, Kansas,” Mike said wistfully. “Serbian prisoners have nightmares about about these places. But that’s where the Tedescos gather to do battle.”

The annual Turkey Bowl requires a rigorous training regimen.

“I’ve been carbo-loading for the past year getting ready for Turkey Bowl,” said defensive lineman Paul Tedesco. “That’s why I bought this huge keg of Sam Adams and drank religiously from it every day.”

This year, the Dallas Cowboys and Seattle Seahawks play on Thanksgiving Day. But true sports fans know that the Turkey Bowl is the game to watch.

“Every year it’s the same drill,” Dad said. “Joe tries in in vain to get open. Paul stands there with his hands in his pockets to keep his fingers warm. I throw to somebody, and then we chase the guy who intercepts the ball.”

Perhaps the bravest warriors on the gridiron are the few spectators who gather for this venerable annual tradition — Tedesco women.

“Christ, you wouldn’t believe how freakin’ cold and boring it is,” said Cousin Anna, wincing at the thought of having to watch her Dad, brother and cousins attempt to play football. “I think I’m going to bring a flask this year to at least try and make this entertaining.”

PUEBLO, Colo. — A local man was hospitalized today after Olympic athlete Maddy Tedesco trounced him in a cutthroat game of Ping Pong, in preparation for this year’s Summer Olympics in China.

“Sweet Jesus! What hit me?” asked Maddy’s uncle, John Tedesco, 26, shortly after he was struck in the forehead with a ping pong ball clocked at 98 mph.

“I just remember seeing the ball streaking towards me like a bullet, and then I heard a little girl’s diabolical laughter,” he said as paramedics wheeled him away.

As the youngest athlete to enter the Ping Pong event at the Olympics, Maddy has embarked on a rigorous training regimen to hone her deadly Ping Pong skills, said her trainers and parents, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco.

“Frankly, Maddy is like a little ninja at the Ping Pong table,” said Caitlin, who witnessed the match between Maddy and her uncle.

“Maddy can aim those Ping Pong balls with pinpoint precision. They’re like deadly, poison-tipped shuriken, only they’re round and made of plastic.

“I’m surprised Uncle John even survived.”

By Cooper Tedesco
Guest Columnist and Italian Tough Guy

PUEBLO, Colo. – Alright you knuckleheads. I may be 2 years old but I been around the crib. And I’ve had it up to here with your cutsie high fives and fist pumps.

Yo, pops, why yoo’s stickin out ya fist like I don’t know what to do? Bam! How’s that for a fist pump, pops? I gotcha fist pump right here.

Quit ya cryin’. Go soak your knuckles in some ice, champ, you’ll be alright.

Hey toots, why yoos holdin’ your hand in my face like dat? You want some of this? Bam! That was a high-five squared, baby. If I knew math I’d know what that means. I’m pretty sure it’s bad ass though.

Yo, Uncle John, put down the camera, ya damn paparazzi.

Somebody feed me alreadies, all this work is makin’ me hungry.

Cooper T. out.