DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

DENVER, Colo. — A totally sweet jam session was ruined when guitarist Joe Tedesco accidentally missed a note in Eddie Van Halen’s solo “Eruption,” authorities announced today.

Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said.

“I can confirm that the jam session was totally kickin’ until Joe screwed up ‘Eruption,’” said Police Spokesman Hewbert McDonald of the Denver Police Department.

“You know that part when Eddie plays a boat-load of sixteenth notes? Well, Joe played an eighth note instead of a sixteenth note. You can imagine how that ruined the vibe of the whole evening.”

Band members immediately called 911 to report the crime.

McDonald said it was unclear whether Joe, a perfectionist who insists on making no mistakes, will ever recover from the error. It was also unclear whether Joe would be able to post bond.

DENVER — In a hallowed tradition eagerly awaited by sports fans across the globe, Tedesco guys are gearing up for Turkey Bowl XXVIIVX on Thanksgiving Day.

“The Tedesco Turkey Bowls are the grittiest games of touch football known to mankind,” said wide receiver Mike Tedesco as he smoked a cigarette in preparation for the big day.

“These games play out on the tundra of cold, God-forsaken places like Spokane, Washington, or Lawrence, Kansas,” Mike said wistfully. “Serbian prisoners have nightmares about about these places. But that’s where the Tedescos gather to do battle.”

The annual Turkey Bowl requires a rigorous training regimen.

“I’ve been carbo-loading for the past year getting ready for Turkey Bowl,” said defensive lineman Paul Tedesco. “That’s why I bought this huge keg of Sam Adams and drank religiously from it every day.”

This year, the Dallas Cowboys and Seattle Seahawks play on Thanksgiving Day. But true sports fans know that the Turkey Bowl is the game to watch.

“Every year it’s the same drill,” Dad said. “Joe tries in in vain to get open. Paul stands there with his hands in his pockets to keep his fingers warm. I throw to somebody, and then we chase the guy who intercepts the ball.”

Perhaps the bravest warriors on the gridiron are the few spectators who gather for this venerable annual tradition — Tedesco women.

“Christ, you wouldn’t believe how freakin’ cold and boring it is,” said Cousin Anna, wincing at the thought of having to watch her Dad, brother and cousins attempt to play football. “I think I’m going to bring a flask this year to at least try and make this entertaining.”

Gigi Ramirez Tedesco poses in a new housing subdivision built by developer Paul Tedesco

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.”

Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at a press conference today.

“When I bought the raw materials for this new development at Costco, at first I thought it was just a simple play set,” Paul told reporters.

“It turns out you need an engineering degree to build the thing. Took me months,” Paul said. “But it was totally worth it. Every kid in the neighborhood wants to move into my new development, and the value of my backyard has increased 500 percent.”

Paul said he’s “really getting into this real estate thing” and plans to pave over the rest of his backyard, continue expanding, and offer low-interest mortgages to children until the housing bubble bursts.

DENVER – United Nations officials have called for an end to all hostilities at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, where an innocent game of Candyland turned into a Machiavellian display of political gamesmanship by three cute Tedesco munchkins.

“Yikes,” father Paul Tedesco said as he tried to referee the cuthroat game. “I’m related to these hellraising Napoleans?”

Officials said Tedesco siblings Lili, Gigi and Cole broke numerous United Nations resolutions during the game, which requires participants to race across the board through territories like the Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain.

The young children resorted to tears, devious smiles, and a blatant threat of selling Gigi to the Gingerbread People.

“Guess I better brace myself for tomorrow,” Paul said. “All hell might break loose when we play Chutes and Ladders.”

Kevin Kelly and his family, taking a break between home repair projects

DENVER — A weeklong vacation in Denver to see the family and “chill” suddenly turned into a nightmarish task of grunt work for the Tedesco boys, they announced today at a press conference.

“Dude, it was like … I don’t have the words,” a shaken Joe Tedesco told reporters after the grueling errand.

After taking a drag on a cigarette, Tedesco told the horrible tale.

“We had just settled in for a nice afternoon of playing Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox when the phone rang,” Joe recalled. “Paul answered, I heard him say OK, and he hung up. He was like, ‘Hey, we’re going to help Kevin move some sheet rock into his house.’”

“Kevin” was identified by authorities as Kevin Kelly, Paul’s brother-in-law, who is suspected of cheerfully tackling every conceivable home-repair project known to Man.

“I was thinking, cool, we can carry in a little sheet rock,” Joe said. “But when we pulled up to his house, there was a trailer parked in the driveway with a freakin’ pallet of sheet rock that was taller than me. My muscles ached just looking at the thing.”

The next two excruciating hours were spent hauling each heavy, 12-foot sheet up a windy driveway, into the house, and down a stairway to the basement. When they finished, Kelly left to pick up yet another pile of sheet rock — even though it was well past the Tedesco boys’ afternoon nap time.

“I’ll never forget how Kevin cheerfully smiled during the whole ordeal,” Joe said, dabbing at his eye with a hankie.