DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

SAN ANTONIO — The Tedesco family’s pop-culture indoctrination program is enrolling a new student: Baby Pete Tedesco, who at 8 months of age is nearly ready to learn the wisdom of Chris Farley, Vince Vaughn, and other intellectuals who are revered by Tedesco guys.

“Yep, I’d say he’s just about ready,” said Pete’s uncle, Mike Tedesco, during a recent trip to San Antonio, as Pete made cooing sounds in his crib. “Not many people realize that Tedesco guys get their witty sayings from movies like ‘Tommy Boy’ and ‘Swingers.’ It’s what makes us so money. So the sooner Pete learns what ‘Holy Schnike’s’ means, the better.”

Over the years, other Tedesco munchkins, such as Maddy, Lili, and Gigi, have passed the Tedesco indoctrination program with flying colors. At a young age, Maddy was able to announce in a crowded restaurant: “Where are all the honey babies?”

“We were so proud that day when Maddy’s uncles taught her that,” said Maddy’s mother, Caitlin.

Other movies that expand the witty sayings of Tedesco guys include “Top Gun,” “Old School,” “Aliens,” and “The Shining.”

“Ultimately, our goal is for Pete to walk around daycare, curl his index finger, and say ‘Redrum’ in a creepy voice,” said Pete’s mom, Jennifer Hiller. “That’d be so money.”

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities evacuated a local neighborhood today after an innocent-looking toddler was accused of making freakishly scary pterodactyl noises.

“I saw this cute little boy smiling at me and he was so adorable,” said landscaper Burt Wilson. “Next thing I knew, he was making high-pitched squeals like some kind of Tauntaun out of ‘Empire Strike Back.’ I ran like hell, man.”

Police identified the suspect as 6-month-old Pete “Bird Boy” Tedesco.

“Our S.W.A.T. negotiators were forced to make squawking noises just to communicate with the little tyke,” said Sgt. Harold Wadsworth of the San Antonio Police Department. “He’s probably perfectly harmless. We think.”

SAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States.

“We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with the U.S. Census Bureau who was assigned to specifically keep track of the Tedesco crime family.

“Somewhere around Gigi and Lili, I got confused and gave up on counting all these cute deviants,” Martin added.

Officials said Pete was born this week with the telltale Tedesco traits: Charming good looks and a devious personality.

“I heard Pete’s parents were changing his diapers at 2 a.m. last night,” Martin said. “And just when they had finished, Pete went wee wee and they had to start all over again. That’s the kind of threat this country faces if the Tedesco population grows unabated, folks.”