ITEM! Cousin John and Karuna got married this weekend! Gasp!

Sources close to the jet-setting couple say the ceremony was a beautiful, East-meets-West affair at the Drake Hotel in Chicago.

It wasn’t immediately clear why the Drake allowed Tedescos inside. But according to witnesses, the wedding was an amazing ceremony attended by friends, family, and Joe. Congrats!

ITEM! Britney Spears didn’t marry anyone today …

Primo and Karuna, his bride to be, who plays poker just as badly as other Tedesco guys

AUSTIN — Item! Super-secret sources have confirmed that John “Primo” Gronbeck-Tedesco is totally off the market, ladies! A little bird told us that Primo asked hottie Karuna to marry him — and she totally said yes!

Gasp!

You might have spotted Primo and Karuna playing Texas Hold ‘Em in San Antonio at the 2009 Jennifer Hiller Poker Invitational on ESPN. Sources say Karuna plays poker just like other Tedescos! Badly!

Primo’s publicist refused to say when the big day is going to be. Tell us soon, Primo!

Item! Britney Spears still crazy ….

HOLLYWOOD — Item! John “Primo” Gronbeck-Tedesco is, like, totally famous after he was interviewed by a television reporter for an awesome news story.

You probably already know his sister stars in Superbowl commercials and her autographs sell on E-bay for a gazillion dollars. Like, oh my God, everybody knows that. Duh.

But Primo was on the news about a movie he starred in 25 years ago when he was a cutsie pie. He played a little farm boy in this movie. I think it was called “The Day After” or something, and it has something to do with people bursting into flames.

Anyway, Primo survived and he’s all growns up now and famous.

Back off ladies! He’s mine!

Item! Lindsay Lohan spotted sober …

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