DENVER, CO — The serenity of a quiet suburban neighborhood was shattered this week by an annual gathering of the Tedesco crime family, residents announced at a press conference today.

“I couldn’t see what the heck was happening behind the fence of Paul’s backyard, and I really didn’t want to,” said neighbor Keith Baker. “Judging from all the barking and snarling I heard from their tiny dogs, Paul’s family spent the entire week gambling on dog fights.”

Neighbor Sarah Richards said the sounds of laughing Tedesco children still haunt her.

“They were calling each other scary names like ‘Dummy Pants’ and ‘Pickle Brains,’” Richards said with a shudder. She then covered her ears. “Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop.”

At one point, neighbors called 911 when they saw towering flames erupt in the backyard. The source of the inferno turned out to be Paul’s gargantuan gas grill, nicknamed “Hellfire.”

“This will be a week I’ll always treasure,” Paul told reporters when they timidly knocked on his door. He then looked inside the house and yelled: “Gigi! Get Makenna out of the dog cage!”

CORPUS CHRISTI — Rich Haswell, a renowned pool shark who trounces every Tedesco kid he plays, lost his first game of pool at approximately 1:47 p.m. today.

Witnesses said the mild-mannered college professor lost a cutthroat match with John Tedesco, 28, the wisest and coolest brother in the Tedesco family.

“Rich practices on that pool table day and night,” Mom said from her ringside seat at the Haswell home. “He’s beaten Joe, Paul, Mike and Kristin countless times. Those poor saps didn’t stand a chance against him, really. In the end, only John could pull it off.”

Tedesco siblings hailed the victory.

“Rich kinda looks like a defenseless mark you might hustle at a smoky pool hall,” Mike Tedesco said at a press conference. “But in reality, he’s a shark — a big scary shark with a pool stick, and he’s trawling for guppies.

“It really sucks being the guppy,” Mike added.