The top dog of the Tedesco clan, John Tedesco is the eldest, wisest, coolest brother. His girlfriend, Jennifer, totally digs him. And who can blame her?
A wine expert, Joe Tedesco excels at using really long words that obfuscate the real meaning of what he’s trying to say. He will make an excellent politician someday.
Thanks to the efforts of Paul Tedesco and his wife, Georgia, the population of Tedesco munchkins has skyrocketed. Experts hope all the kids in their huge family will grow up to be productive taxpayers who will save Social Security and pay off the national debt.
Mike Tedesco is a sparkling conversationalist who radiates charm. Not. It is highly likely Mike’s young children have a broader vocabulary. Mike’s wife, Caitlin, is widely admired for her bravery.
This award-winning documentary was played at the wedding of Kristin Tedesco and Garrett Cook, and explains how they became a couple. Words don’t do this video justice. In fact, shocked silence is the most common response by viewers, especially members of the Cook family.
The daughter of Mike and Caitlin, Maddy Tedesco is a young genius with scary powers of persuasion. Maddy can cajole the most cold-hearted adult into hanging out with her, and she will likely grow up to be a high-powered lobbyist. Federal investigators believe she taught Jack Abramoff everything he knows.
Maddy’s little brother, Cooper Tedesco, is a cute munchkin who mastered the art of the fist pump before he could even walk. Judging from his shortly cropped hair and the clothes his parents buy him, Cooper is being groomed to be a replacement for Vanilla Ice.
The daughter of Paul and Georgia, Lili Ramirez Tedesco is a celebrity who starred in her own cooking show and produced a widely acclaimed dance album. Lili is an expert on Disney products and plans to be a princess when she grows up.
Lili’s little sister, Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, joined the Cult of the Build-a-Bear at a young age and has risen to the rank of Grand Poo Bear, a much coveted position. Her army of Build-a-Bear toys will help the company in its plans for world domination.
Gigi and Liil’s little brother is Cole Ramirez Tedesco, who specializes in attaching himself to the legs of adults like an angry cat and refusing to let go. It will be his signature move when he inevitably replaces Hulk Hogan in the World Wrestling Federation.
The daughter of Kristin and Garrett Cook, Makenna has nerves of steel and laughs in the face of danger. She is currently in training to be a contestant on “Fear Factor.”
Baby Pete, the youngest of the cute Tedesco munchkins, communicates through high-pitched bird noises that scientists are still trying to decipher.
Known as “Primo,” John Gronbeck-Tedesco is a cousin of the Tedesco clan. Primo is working on his doctorate at the University of Texas at Austin, where he is studying the effects of drinking good scotch while smoking cigars and ogling chicks. His studies will likely continue for many, many years.
The little sister of Primo, Annie Tedesco is way more awesome than all Tedescos combined. She starred in the movie “Suspension,” a Superbowl commercial, and that cool Cherry Dr. Pepper “Mahna Mahna” commercial. What have you done lately, punk?
