SAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States.

“We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with the U.S. Census Bureau who was assigned to specifically keep track of the Tedesco crime family.

“Somewhere around Gigi and Lili, I got confused and gave up on counting all these cute deviants,” Martin added.

Officials said Pete was born this week with the telltale Tedesco traits: Charming good looks and a devious personality.

“I heard Pete’s parents were changing his diapers at 2 a.m. last night,” Martin said. “And just when they had finished, Pete went wee wee and they had to start all over again. That’s the kind of threat this country faces if the Tedesco population grows unabated, folks.”

DENVER, Colo. — A totally sweet jam session was ruined when guitarist Joe Tedesco accidentally missed a note in Eddie Van Halen’s solo “Eruption,” authorities announced today.

Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said.

“I can confirm that the jam session was totally kickin’ until Joe screwed up ‘Eruption,’” said Police Spokesman Hewbert McDonald of the Denver Police Department.

“You know that part when Eddie plays a boat-load of sixteenth notes? Well, Joe played an eighth note instead of a sixteenth note. You can imagine how that ruined the vibe of the whole evening.”

Band members immediately called 911 to report the crime.

McDonald said it was unclear whether Joe, a perfectionist who insists on making no mistakes, will ever recover from the error. It was also unclear whether Joe would be able to post bond.

Maddy Tedesco, suspected boy talker

PUEBO, Colo. — At a press conference today, Maddy Tedesco vehemently denied allegations in the Tedesco Times that she and her friends talked about boys at Maddy’s birthday party.

“Hey why did you say we were talking about boys?” Maddy, 10, wrote in a comment in the Tedesco Times, a Pewlitzer-prize winning publication that tracks the exploits of the Tedesco crime family.

Maddy’s claims were contradicted by her own mother, Caitlin, who told reporters: “I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard. The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The ages and identities of the boys discussed at the birthday party are still unknown.

SAN ANTONIO — Authorities armed with a search warrant raided the home today of Jennifer “Magic Hands” Hiller, 28, who was accused of operating an unlicensed massage parlor for kitty cats.

“We have video footage of the suspect petting a cute little kitty cat in her home,” said police Sgt. Bruce Reiner. “The cat was enjoying the massage session so much, it’s highly probable that some kind of Texas law was broken.”

PUEBLO, Colo. — Witnesses on a fishing trip were perplexed by the terrified shrieking and yelping of toddler Cooper Tedesco, who encountered a harmless hooked fish today.

“Not too many Tedescos are outdoorsmen, and apparently, neither is Cooper judging by his cries of horror,” his father Mike Tedesco told reporters at a press conference.

“Frankly, that slimy fish was pretty disgusting,” Mike said with a shudder. “I wanted to scream and run around in circles too but luckily I kept myself under control.

“Ewwwwwww,” Mike added.

Maddy Tedesco, right, allegedly held top secret discussions with her friends about boys, her mother claims

PUEBLO, Colo — A birthday party for Maddy Tedesco, 10, was allegedly focused on top-secret talks about boys, sources told the Tedesco Times today.

“I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard,” Maddy’s mother, Caitlin, told reporters at a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “The girls were all whispering and giggling and I knew that meant one thing: Boy talk.”

The secret talks allegedly occurred at Maddy’s birthday party, where she and her friends had pillow fights, swam, and had makeovers at the Marriott.

The identities of the boys discussed in the secret talks were unknown. Maddy’s legal team declined to comment on the matter.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — In a heartbreaking scene at Disneyland today, Cole Ramirez Tedesco was torn between his two best friends forever — astronaut Buzz Lightyear and racing car Lightning McQueen.

Cole in his Buzz Lightyear costume

The conflict sparked a tense standoff between Lightyear and McQueen, who sources say have frequently competed for Cole’s attention at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco in Denver, Colo. McQueen’s corporate sponsor, Rust-eze, threatened to drop its sponsorship unless the dispute was settled.

The tension worsened when Cole’s sisters, Gigi and Lili, announced they wanted to be friends not only with Lightyear and McQueen, but also with a pale, sleepy woman sources identified as Snow White, and various unnamed Disney princesses.

“It was a freakin’ soap opera,” an exasperated Georgia announced.

Click here for more cool pictures of the trip to Disneyland.

SAN ANTONIO — You can now follow every scandal in the Tedesco family by joining the fan page of the Tedesco Times on Facebook.

“Our readers have an insatiable appetite for stories about what, exactly, the Tedescos have screwed up lately,” said John Tedesco, editor in chief of the muckraking blog that tracks the exploits of the Tedesco crime family.

“The new Facebook page tracks every foible. Whether it’s an embarrassing family video, or Kristin bringing down the U.S. economy in the mortgage industry, you can sign on to Facebook and always be in the know.”

The Tedesco Times also has a new commenting system, where users can set up their own profiles and rank comments they like. Unfortunately, it does not allow comments from people in the Witness Protection program, which rules out most Tedescos.

Schools across the country braced for the impact of Mike Tedesco’s new tell-all book, “City Boy,” which could cause thousands of college students in the urban-planning field to rethink their majors.

“Dude, like, from what I hear, urban-planning totally sucks,” said grad student Brandon Frasier, who is working towards his masters in urban planning at the University of Kansas.

“City Boy” is about Mike’s early days working as a planner in Colorado. The publisher says of the book:

In the world of municipal politics, truth is stranger than fiction and there is no truth stranger than La Blanca Gente, Colorado. In this striking first book, the author weaves between the anecdotal and the academic to sew a grand comic farce as he unveils the curtain over the tactics employed by government employees to achieve their own ends. Tragic? Absurd? Harrowing? Indeed, and City Boy serves as a lesson on what not to do when confronted by those who are just dumb enough to take you down. Throw your Urban Planning and Public Administration text books out the window because in the world of municipal politics you better be ready for a street fight.

“‘Street fight?’ ‘Harrowing?’ I think I chose the wrong profession,” Frasier said. “Look what happened to Mike.”