The Tedesco baby, 30 years from now

“The ultrasound clearly showed that John and Jennifer are going to have a boy,” said Glenda Hodgkins, the nurse who performed the ultrasound this morning at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio.

“I saw the classic traits of a Tedesco guy: The strong jaw, dreamy eyes, and thick, flowing locks of hair.”

Jen and John's future baby

Hodgkins then tore her eyes from the sonogram photos and fanned her flushed face. “Whew! is it hot in here or what?” she asked no one in particular.

The flustered nurse concluded: “This kid’s testosterone levels are way off the charts. Hot nurses are already asking for his phone number, so they can look him up in 20 years. Clearly, this kid is a Tedesco.”

Paul Tedesco, wishing he were Tiger Woods, tries to hit a golf ball

DENVER — A coalition of Tedesco guys called for drastic changes in the rules of golf to make it resemble the virtual reality of Tiger Woods Golf on the XBox gaming system.

“Honestly, real golf could learn some things from Tiger Woods golf,” Paul Tedesco told reporters at a press conference outside Stoney Creek Golf Course near Denver, where Tedesco guys have lost an estimated $230 worth of golf balls in the past five years.

“For one thing, in Tiger Woods golf, I can drive the ball straight as an arrow, 350 yards every time, while sitting in the comfort of my own home.” Paul said. “I so rock at fake golf it’s not even funny.

“In real life, I usually shank the ball, and then I get thistles in my socks when I spend a half hour in the weeds looking for it,” Paul said with disgust. “I can’t even hit the white button and spin the ball while it’s in the air. What’s up with that?”

Tedesco guys are boycotting the PGA of America until it radically changes the rules that make real golf suck so bad.

DENVER — Local toddler Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, would like to interest you in a subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine for the low-low price of $5.99 a month, Gigi announced in a dinner-time telephone call to relatives today.

Get the latest fashions and catch up on the latest-celebrity gossip, Gigi said during the unsolicited long-distance telephone call that she totally dialed without anyone’s help.

“I can get you a vewy special deal,” Gigi said while in the background her mother, Georgia, expressed outrage that Gigi was using the cell phone again.

How Gigi, who can’t read, was able to figure out the phone numbers of her aunts and uncles could not be ascertained by press time.

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine.

“My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today.

“Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about, without really saying anything of substance.”

Here are Joe’s favorite empty phrases, based on his years of experience in the wine industry, his voracious reading of every issue of Wine Spectator, and studying past press conferences of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara:

“Hmm. I’m getting petroleum on the nose with notes of diesel. Probably unleaded.”

“Woof, that’s a fat cab. Certainly Jenny Craig caliber.”

“Oh man, get a whiff of that napalm.”

“I’m getting acres and acres of earthy loam.”

“This has potential to be grippy, but it needs a few more hours of CPR.”

“Hmm, I’m getting a real fruity zing of strawberries, bananas, coconut … oh crap, this is a pina colada.”

“You can make up your own sayings and post them on the Tedesco Times,” Joe suggested to his loyal fans. “Maybe you’ll be creative as me! But I doubt it.”

CORPUS CHRISTI — Rich Haswell, a renowned pool shark who trounces every Tedesco kid he plays, lost his first game of pool at approximately 1:47 p.m. today.

Witnesses said the mild-mannered college professor lost a cutthroat match with John Tedesco, 28, the wisest and coolest brother in the Tedesco family.

“Rich practices on that pool table day and night,” Mom said from her ringside seat at the Haswell home. “He’s beaten Joe, Paul, Mike and Kristin countless times. Those poor saps didn’t stand a chance against him, really. In the end, only John could pull it off.”

Tedesco siblings hailed the victory.

“Rich kinda looks like a defenseless mark you might hustle at a smoky pool hall,” Mike Tedesco said at a press conference. “But in reality, he’s a shark — a big scary shark with a pool stick, and he’s trawling for guppies.

“It really sucks being the guppy,” Mike added.

PUEBLO, Colo. — The United Nations announced today that the Christmas holidays have prompted a brief ceasefire between warring factions of Tedesco kids.

“For a miraculous few days, there was no bickering, no crying, no poking, and no pushing,” said United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, who brokered the peace treaty. “It truly is a Christmas miracle.”

According to a peace accord signed by all parties in the home of Mike and Caitlin Tedesco, their daughter Maddy agreed to end all hostilities with her little brother, Cooper, unless he crosses the demilitarized zone into her room.

In the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, munchkins Lili, Gigi and Cole agreed to briefly smile and hug each other during a picture-taking session in front of the Christmas tree. After the picture was taken, the children immediately went back to DEFCON 1.

DENVER — Critics are hailing the work of ace photographer Cole Ramirez Tedesco, 3, who unveiled his own photo studio today.

“His pictures are so raw, so powerful,” said New York Times arts critic Sebestian Archibald Lewis III, who reviewed the young photographer’s work. “He’s the Ansel Adams of Broomsfield, Colorado.”

Cole launched his career as a photographer after he asked an uncle to loan him a $200 digital camera.

“Was I nervous?” asked Uncle John. “Hell yeah. But when I saw the pictures Cole took, I was like, wow, these aren’t half bad. Even Paul looks good. I didn’t think that was possible.”

Click here to visit Cole’s Flickr account.

Click here for a slide show of all photos from the Tedescos’ Thanksgiving in Denver.

Click here for a YouTube video of the Tedesco’s 2009 Thanksgiving.

HOLLYWOOD — Item! John “Primo” Gronbeck-Tedesco is, like, totally famous after he was interviewed by a television reporter for an awesome news story.

You probably already know his sister stars in Superbowl commercials and her autographs sell on E-bay for a gazillion dollars. Like, oh my God, everybody knows that. Duh.

But Primo was on the news about a movie he starred in 25 years ago when he was a cutsie pie. He played a little farm boy in this movie. I think it was called “The Day After” or something, and it has something to do with people bursting into flames.

Anyway, Primo survived and he’s all growns up now and famous.

Back off ladies! He’s mine!

Item! Lindsay Lohan spotted sober …

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