Baby breaks cuteness barrier

Tedescos make annual visit to church

"Dear Lord, give us strength," said Father Jorge Baistra in a San Antonio parish where John and Joe Tedesco live. "Let thy holy presence remain pure in the presence of the evil ones."

"Everyone remain calm, just don't make any sudden moves," said Archbishop Alex J. Brunett in Seattle, where Kristin Tedesco was in attendance.

"Anybody see Mike?" asked Father Joseph F. Schmidt at a Moscow, Idaho parish. "Good heavens, where's the wine?"

Paul, a Sunday school teacher, only caused a minor riot at his church.

Maddy masters Pythagorean Theorem

"Next challenge, Mommy," said Madelyn Tedesco, 3. "Gimme something interesting this time."

Already equipped with critical-thinking skills that dwarf those of other toddlers, Madelyn has shocked experts with her vast knowledge of the world.

Madelyn's parents, Mike and Caitlin Tedesco, hope their daughter will tutor them next semester at the University of Idaho.

Local father perfects swing dancing

"Dig it, baby," said the swing master as he spun a hapless woman across the dance floor at the Mercury Cafe. "Can't touch this."

For his next project, Tedesco is debating whether to learn the Charleston or break dancing.

Gracie edging out Luna as favorite pet

After years of urban warfare in the Corpus Christi home of Jan and Rich Haswell, Gracie the cat seems to be winning more attention from her owners, prompting a harsh response from the Bush Administration.

At an emergency briefing in the White House, President George W. Bush decried Gracie's totalitarian policies and her alleged ties to al Queda.

"Make no mistake," Bush said, "Democracy and games of fetch will not flower in the Haswell home until Gracie the cat is destructicated."

Bush said Gracie has used questionable tactics to achieve dominance over Luna, an adorable German Shepherd.

"It is a known fact that Gracie the evildoer hates any kind of attention," Bush said. "Yet the cat will allow herself to be petted in the living room in front of Luna, knowing full well the dog will explodify in a jealous fit of barking and shoving."

Bush also accused Gracie of violating United Nations sanctions that prohibit the cat from storing weapons of mass destruction and catnip.

Aunt Paula dubbed 'Citizen of the Year' by National Yard Sale Association

"For her generous contribution to society wanting the unwanted, seeing beauty in the beast, and putting crap on the map, this award goes to Aunt Paula," said Neil Martin, chairman of the National Yard Sale Association, at an impromptu ceremony held at Value Village.

Aunt Paula graciously accepted the figurine, which was a 1960s-era plastic statuette valued at $1.78.

"What a bargain!" Aunt Paula exclaimed with delight.

Cousin John flirts with disaster, women in Cuba

"The fact that Castro has survived for so long is amazing," John said upon his return to the United States after recovering from food poisoning.

"He created a country that has one of the best school systems in the world, yet society is essentially stuck in the 1950s. It's fascinating."

"Plus, you gotta see the Cuban hotties down there, oh my God!" added the slick-talking womanizer, who suddenly began dancing the Lambada with an imaginary partner. John did not respond to further questions, other than to repeatedly say: "Estoy quemando!"

'Big Brother' declared worst TV show by Kristin

"Big brothers suck," the traumatized sister claimed.