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Tedesco kids help save Social Security
"When I got news that another Tedesco kid was born, I was completely flabbercated," said President George W. Bush at a hastily called press conference today in the West Wing, after learning that Kristin and Garrett Cook had a new baby daughter. With the birth of Makenna, who weighed 7 pounds 4 ounces, there are now countless Tedesco munchkins whose tax dollars are going to come in "real handy," Bush said. Asked how many Tedesco children have been born in recent years, Bush said: "A ton, man." Tallying names on his fingers, Bush said: "Let's see here, there's Maddy, then came Lili, then Gigi, Cole, and Cooper. Now cute little Makenna makes that, what, a dozen or something, right?"
"A little bird told me that Paul and Mike Tedesco aren't going to have any more kids," Bush said. "I'm not going to say who that little bird is. All I can say is, warrantless wiretaps are protecting this country, and Mike, I hope the procedure went well. Don't go jogging any time soon, big guy." Bush then turned to Kristin's husband, Garrett. "Keep 'em coming, Gare Bear," Bush said. "You're our only hope." Cousin Anna stars in Super Bowl ad!HOLLYWOOD – Item! Don't touch that remote! A Super Bowl commercial for CareerBuilder.com featured – gasp! – Cousin Anna! That's right, sports fans! This gossip columnist heard the juicy rumor first ... and it's actually true! Anna Gronbeck-Tedesco was the blond employee whose cute little heart leaps out and quits her lame job. Whew! After I watched it, I felt like my heart was running faster than Tom Brady in tight spandex! Yummy! Anyone got a defibrillator? Item! Britney Spears still crazy ... Local man injured by bubble attack
John Tedesco, 26, was in stable condition after being doused with soapy water that, he said, is "kind of stingy if it gets in your eyes." Police say the suspects, Lili and Gigi Tedesco, laughed with glee as they fired hundreds of bubbles at their victim, reloaded, and fired again. Police said the girls stocked their plastic machine guns with 30mm T-shirt-piercing bubble rounds, which are illegal and can only be found on the black market. "The suspects really seemed to be enjoying themselves," said Sgt. Robert Robles of the Denver Police Department. "I've been on the force a long time. I've seen some sick, twisted stuff. But this was just wrong." Robles said there appears to be no motive for the brutal attack. "Was it a mob hit? Was it a vendetta? Who knows. Maybe they just did it for fun," he said. Tedesco cousins rock; relatives don't
"Oh man, there's no comparison," said Gallup pollster Herb Jackson, who interviewed 1,400 registered voters for the poll. "The national approval ratings of John and Anna are shooting through the roof. There's no disputing they kick ass." Cousin John recently won a kick-ass fellowship at the University of Texas at Austin, in which he gets paid to sit around and think. And Cousin Anna is starring in a new kick-ass suspense thriller. "How kick ass is that?" Jackson asked. Jackson marveled at how John and Anna have used their brains to find success – a concept that has yet to dawn on their cousins on the other side of the Tedesco family. So far, the only thing Kristin, Mike, Paul and Joe Tedesco can brag about is the time they ate a bowl of Elmer's glue in one sitting. "Yummm ... glue ..." Kristin proudly announced at a press conference today. "Me glue like." Dad laments loss of H-Dog
"This here's a shout out to mah homie," Tedesco yelled at confused shoppers who shied away from him as they scurried to their cars. "There ain't gonna be another numbahs cruncha like you, H-Dog!" Kornfeld, who worked in the accounts receivable department of Midstate Office Supply, wrote columns for the Onion that include: "Keepin' it real in tha Midstate crib" and "It wuz alwayz 'bout tha numbahs." Tedesco said he idolized Kornfeld for his "free-stylin' numbah crunchin." But Tedesco's tidy, cubicle-lined world was shattered when he read a recent article in the Onion that said Kornfeld had been the victim of "white on white" violence. "It ain't fair, yo," Tedesco said to no one in particular as security guards closed in. "H-Dog ain't never even teached numbahs crunchin' to his shorty." Philip Morris begs Paul to smoke again
"Paul, buddy, it's been a long time," said Archibald Owens III, the company's general counsel. "How 'bout a fresh pack of Camels, on the house? Just for old time's sake. I doubt the benzene, ammonia and other chemicals we put in these cancer sticks would even affect you." Owens said the company's fortunes nose-dived when Paul went cold turkey and quit smoking several years ago. Owens said it was a painful break up. "Do you realize how many states in this country have filed billion-dollar lawsuits against us?" Owens said as he pulled the pockets of his pants inside out, revealing lint. "And have you seen the tax hikes they're putting on cigarettes these days? Holy crap, we need M-O-N-E-Y, like, right now. You think my Jag is going to pay itself off? Paul, help a brothah out." Attempts to reach Paul Tedesco were unsuccessful. His children said he was busy with his new, non-cancer causing addiction, Battlefield 1942. Uncle John topples phone industry
A reporter for the Lawrence Journal-World, circulation 20,000, asked residents what they were looking for in the next generation of cell phones. Most people gave innocent answers. Not Professor John Gronbeck-Tedesco.
The comment sent shockwaves through Wall Street. Stockbrokers clawed each other as they desperately tried to sell shares of Verizon, Sprint and other cell phone providers. "What the hell just hit us?" asked Clint Harmon, a spokesman for T-Mobile, shortly after the company lost an estimated $550 million in one day. "Clearly this is the kind of catastrophe that could only be caused by a Tedesco." Tedesco population still skyrocketing
SEATTLE – Tedescos are proliferating at an alarming rate now that Kristin Tedesco and her husband, Garrett Cook, are having a baby, the U.S. Census Bureau announced at a press conference today. "Holy crap," said Gilbert Lockert, a statistician with the Census Bureau who counts how many people live in the country. "We have completely and utterly lost track of how many Tedescos are roaming around out there." According to government statistics, Kristin, Mike and Paul Tedesco are reproducing with their significant others at an astonishing rate. If current trends continue, the Census Bureau estimates that in 50 years, one out of every four Americans will be a Tedesco. Click below for the infamous Kristin and Garrett Cook wedding video Thomas the Train survives crash
Poor track design in Tedesco home blamedDENVER – Train tracks that looked like they were "built by children" were blamed today for the fiery derailment of Thomas the Tank Engine.Federal investigators with the National Transportation Safety Board said the beloved toy train was traveling at 1.2 mph on a standard-issue plastic track in the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco when the track abruptly ended. "It was as if the track wasn't even finished," said accident investigator Walt Tyler. "We traced the track design to the engineering firm of Gigi, Lili and Cole, Inc., of Denver, Colo. As far as we can tell, these three kids have never even graduated from an accredited engineering program." The accident was the latest in a rash of toy train derailments across the United States. Investigators released the following video to warn the public about the importance of toy train safety. Authorities find Rosy-Cheeked Bandit
The pictures could prove that the Rosy-Cheeked bandit is Cooper's father, Mike Tedesco, who was photographed by security cameras during a heist of his parent's pantry on July 23, 1979. The bandit's telltale rosy cheeks bear an uncanny resemblance to Mike's son, said Detective Robert Klein of the Spokane Police Department, where Mike grew up. "The weird thing about this criminal was his rosy cheeks," Klein said. "Honestly, the kid had the healthiest cheeks I've ever seen. He looked like an extra in 'Moulin Rouge.'" Klein said he was surfing the web looking for twisted sites and discovered the Tedesco Times. After seeing a photo of Cooper's rosy cheeks, Klein said he felt the familiar, icy grip of fear clutch his throat. It was like looking at his former nemesis, the Rosy-Cheeked Bandit. "I still remember the frantic 911 call," Klein said, trying to control his shaking hands. "The Tedescos said someone had been 'stealing food' out of their pantry every Saturday during morning cartoons, before the parents had gotten up. Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies and other valuable goodies were missing, but there was no sign of forced entry. I was stumped." Contacted at his current residence in Pueblo, Colo., Mike Tedesco laughed at the suggestion he might be the Rosy-Cheeked Bandit. He said even if he had rosy cheeks as a kid, a steady diet of cigarettes and coffee have drained his healthy looking cheeks of all color, leaving behind the pale, pasty face that scares children today. Has Cooper Tedesco followed his father's thieving ways? This recent security video shows Cooper stealing a remote control and attempting to flee the crime scene. Luna joyfully mauls toy flamingo
Investigators identified the prime suspect as Luna the German Shepherd. "We're still waiting for the medical examiner to tell us the cause of death," said Detective Albert Gutierrez of the Corpus Christi Police Department. "At this point, it looks like it was death by slobber." Gutierrez shuddered. "Eewwwww," he added. Witnesses said the pink flamingo was innocently resting on the ground, looking around with its googly muppet eyes, when Luna pounced on it. "It was a brutal attack. Feathers and dog drool were flying everywhere," Mom said in an interview. "The poor flamingo was making squeaky noises, begging for its life. That just made Luna more angry," Mom added. No motive was given for the brutal attack, which was documented in the following YouTube video. Viewer discretion is advised. Rockin' air show indoctrinates Tedescos
"Oh man, where do I sign up?" John asked as he and Mom watched F-18 Superhornets thunder overhead at a Naval Air Station near Mom's house. "USA! USA!" Mom chanted, pumping her fists in the air. Military officials called the air show a "complete success" in swaying public opinion in the Tedesco family. "We've found that the turbofan General Electric engines of the F-18 not only produce 16,000 pounds of thrust, they also blow away the the hearts and minds of any Tedesco," said Admiral Bob Wilcox. As a blue and yellow jet fighter buzzed Mom's house with a heart-stopping boom, John wondered if the Blue Angels accepted applications from 34-year-old guys who wear bifocals and get car sick.  Click here for the YouTube video of jet buzzing Mom's house.Tedesco fashions finally called cool
"Those kids were really ahead of their time with the 'Welcome-Back-Carter' look. That's so hip now!" said Anna Wintour, editor-in-chief of Vogue magazine. "I'd call them visionaries," Wintour added. The unruly '70s style mop hair, bell bottom pants, and hang-glider-sized shirt collars weren't appreciated in the 1980s. The Tedescos sported those styles anyway, despite pressures to conform to the dreaded "Miami Vice" influence. "Back then, you were supposed to wear pink T-shirts like Crockett and Tubbs," Wintour said. "I'm sorry, but no Tedesco, other than Mike, would be caught dead in a pink shirt." Click here for more photos of Tedesco fashions!
Poll: Gigi still looks like Joe's baby pics
The poll found that 98 percent of Americans believe that Gigi and Joe shared similar pudgy cheeks and Beatles-style haircuts as toddlers. The poll also explored other eerie similarities. A majority of Americans, 62 percent, believe both Gigi and Joe are still afraid of the dark. And most Americans say it is "strongly possible" that both Gigi and Joe still suck their thumbs. "Man, I can't believe Gigi hasn't outgrown her 'Joe phase,'" Gigi's father, Paul, told reporters at a hastily called press conference today. "At the rate Gigi's going," Paul said, "I wouldn't be surprised if she buys an Ibanez guitar, grows a mullet, learns to play a perfect rendition of 'Eruption,' and then begins an endless cycle of pawning the guitar and buying it back at drastically inflated interest rates." Maddy booted from American Idol
Despite receiving rave reviews from Tedesco family members, Maddy's rendition of her favorite song, "Sunrise" by Norah Jones, wasn't fully appreciated by American Idol judges. "It was too pitchy, girl!" said American Idol Judge Randy Jackson. "Pitchy, pitchy, pitchy. By the way, that's the only comment I really know." Jackson added: "Pitchy." Paula Abdul was slumped over a table, slurring something. The two negative responses overruled the usually hyper-critical Simon Cowell, who called Maddy a "superstar" and "the next big thing." After hearing Cowell's glowing opinion of Maddy, Jackson and Abdul immediately backtracked and said they "loved" Maddy, too. By then, the talented little girl had blown them off and ridden away on her Barbie bike. Toddler blamed in marker mishap
Cole "Picasso" Tedesco, 2, was charged today with "aggravated assault with a Crayola," a felony. Witnesses said the toddler gleefully wielded a "Tropical Green" colored marker without a crucial safety cap as he crawled around the unprotected home of his parents, Paul and Georgia Tedesco. Authorities allege that Cole Tedesco drew on walls, carpeting, distraught big sisters, and even his own face. "Clearly we're dealing with someone who knows how to use a marker and isn't afraid to use it," Denver Police Chief Gerald R. Whitman said at a hastily called press conference today. "If you spot this criminal mastermind, do not attempt to apprehend him yourself," Whitman said. "Withdraw to a safe location and call 911. Let the professionals handle this, unless you want to look like the Incredible Hulk." Tedesco Times offers new stuff for sale
"How are we supposed to compete with this totally awesome Tedesco Times stuff?" asked fashion guru Tommy Hilfiger. "I've already bought some sweet baseball T-shirts. I can't stop myself." The Tedesco Times shop can be found at Cafepress.com. Send a Letter to the Editor if you want to offer any more cool products or slogans. One dollar out of every item purchased goes to the nonprofit "John Tedesco Cigar Fund." |
Features What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times? "Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!" "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!" "Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!" "Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Paul and Georgia started a business! 
Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy! 
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