Mike moving to Kansas

Cousin Anna going to acting school

Hollywood insiders called Anna's decision a bold move that could transform the industry.

"As a Tedesco, Anna has natural acting ability," said famed actor Marlon Brando. "She could be a contender."

Anna, who already had an entourage of groupies and autograph seekers in Kansas, will probably fit right into the Hollywood scene, insiders say.

Liliana gets baptized

DENVER -- One of the cutest babies in the United States became more angelic this month when she was baptized in front of proud family members.

Liliana Ramirez Tedesco, the daughter of Paul and Georgia, received a warm welcome by the Catholic church during the Jan. 4 ceremony.

Church officials hoped the baptism would erase any tendencies Liliana might have to behave like a typically unruly Tedesco child.

"Just for the record, baptism works on little perfect angels like Liliana, but it can't help some people," said Deacon Mike Howard, who performed the baptism.

"Paul and his siblings were baptized, and look how they turned out."

"Amen," Mom and Dad said from the back of the church.

Music major has terrible taste in music

SAN ANTONIO -- Joe Tedesco, a talented guitarist who is comfortable playing everything from rock to jazz, suffers chronic bad taste when it comes to his personal listening habits, family members reported today.

"I don't get it," said Cousin John after a recent headache-inducing visit to Joe's house. "Joe is a great guitarist. He studied music in college, you know? But when I last saw him, Shaggy was blaring from the stereo. What's my poor cousin smokin'?"

Other relatives expressed equal parts shock and dismay at Joe's musical taste.

"It's a real shame," said Mom after seeing Joe for Christmas. "He has a beautiful sound system that plays nothing but crap."

Joe's supporters defended his CD collection, which includes bygone artists such as Joe Satriani and Steve Vai.

"What's wrong with Joe's music?" asked his roommate, Shawn Miller, as he turned up KISS 99.5, the local hard rock radio station. "Oh, sweet, 'Smoke on the Water.' Excellent!"

Joe and Shawn then pledged to never give anything new a chance.

Dick's Hamburgers to Tedesco boys: Thanks for the slave labor

"Thanks John, Joe, Paul and Mike, for working long, mind-numbing hours at low pay without complaint," said Linda, the Machiavellian supervisor who ruled Dick's with an iron fist.

The Tedecos' employment at Dick's became a tradition that was handed down from brother to brother.

Surrounded by scalawags, the four boys were quickly corrupted. John took to drink, Joe cavorted with older women, and Paul's grade-point-average slipped to 3.9. Mike fit in perfectly.

Gracie violates 'No Fly Zone'

"Make no mistake," Bush said at an emergency briefing at the White House, "Gracie the evil one is a threat to freedom and democracy. Luna is a good dog and would never resort to this kind of strategery."

Bush ordered the Naval aircraft carrier, the USS Nimitz, into Oso Bay within striking distance of the Corpus Christi home of Jan and Rich Haswell, where tensions have been rising between Gracie and Luna for years.

Gracie, the pet cat, has been at war with Luna, an adorable German Shephard, ever since the Haswells took the feline into their home.

Bush said that without U.S. intervention, Luna could be in danger of losing all doggie treats and games of fetch.

Caitlin's growth pills really kicking in

MOSCOW -- A new work-out regimen and loads of vitamins have produced a dramatic effect on Caitlin Tedesco, family members said today.

At a recent party, Caitlin dominated the scene, both literally and figuratively, as she looked down upon Aunt Paula and Mom from a towering height.

Caitlin told reporters that ever since she got more muscles, her husband, Mike Tedesco, has become much more attentive.