Mike shocks small Kansas town

LAWRENCE -- An emergency town hall meeting was held today as city officials braced for the arrival of Mike Tedesco, who was recently accepted to grad school at Kansas University.

Uncle John and Aunt Sue spoke before a crowd of 100 concerned citizens who heard "terrible rumors" that Mike and his family were headed to Lawrence, Kansas.

"It's true, Mike and his gang will be here next fall," said Uncle John, a longtime resident of Lawrence. The audience gasped.

"Will my children be safe?" asked Michelle Miller, a housewife and mother of two. "I've heard awful stories."

Police Chief W. Ronald Olin addressed the audience. "Folks, I've tried calling authorities in Moscow Idaho, where Mike lives, to get a sense of what to expect. I couldn't get through -- the line was dead."

Uncle John and Aunt Sue, who raised two Tedesco children of their own and lived to tell the tale, said citizens could take steps to protect themselves, although there were no guarantees.

"We recommend stocking up on the basics," Aunt Sue said. "Always keep a Bible handy. A Bible and holy water. Plenty of shotgun shells probably wouldn't hurt, either."

"And remember," Uncle John added, "Mike is half Italian, so garlic doesn't work like it does on most vampires."

Mike wasn't the only threat to the community, the crowd was told.

"Don't forget Mike's wife," Uncle John said. "Caitlin is Mike's partner-in-crime. She's the Bonnie to Mike's Clyde, the Cheech to Mike's Chong. If you aren't in the habit of praying, now would be a good time to learn."

Aunt Sue refused to comment on recent reports that Mike and Caitlin's daughter, Madelyn, was the true mastermind of the family.

"I'm not going there, man," Aunt Sue said as she made the sign of the cross.