Uncle John injured in cascarone attack

The brutal attack

The suspect

LAWRENCE, Kansas - Authorities say they have a suspect in the Easter Sunday cascarone attack that blinded a local man with a shower of egg shells and confetti.

Maddy Tedesco, 4, was charged today with “aggravated assault with a cascarone,” a felony. Witnesses said Maddy gleefully smashed a colored egg against the head of Uncle John.

“This suspect is still on the loose and considered armed and dangerous,” said Lawrence Police Chief Ron Olin. “She is not only extremely cunning, but also cute as the dickens. Ms. Tedesco lures her unwitting victims close, pretending to be an innocent little munchkin, and then, Bam! She strikes and you’re covered in confetti.

“Do you know how big a mess that makes?” Olin added. “It’s horrible.”

Police blame Maddy Tedesco for a cascarone crime spree that has frightened residents in this small Kansas town.

“It was a cold, calculating attack,” Aunt Sue told detectives. “Maddy was saying, ‘Uncle John, come here, come here, I want to show you something,’ Suddenly there was confetti everywhere and I heard diabolical laughter. By the time we realized what happened, Maddy was gone.”

Around the Nation:

Our new president?

The outgoing president?

No chance?

Lili dives into politics

Family would applaud speech, if only they could understand it

DENVER - An intense campaign for the White House took an odd turn today, when toddler Lili Ramirez Tedesco announced her intentions to run for president.

Family members said they weren't sure what the 1-year-old girl was saying as she hammered home a 10-point plan to get the nation back on track.

"Man, Lili sure is trying to tell us something," said her father, Paul Tedesco. "It must be really important."

In an impassioned but incoherent speech given from a high chair at the Ramirez home, Lili pledged to reduce the country's dependence on foreign oil, create new jobs, and fund a new 24-hour Sesame Street channel.

Political experts said Lili's announcement came as a surprise.

"This really shakes up the field," said Tim Russert on NBC's "Meet the Press." "We're talking about a presidential candidate with absolutely no skeletons in her little toy closet. And our current president proves you don't need to speak words correctly to get to the White House."

Lili said she planned to kick off a campaign fundraiser right after she takes her afternoon nap.

Click here to listen to Lili's stump speech. (Download it first if you have a modem)

FCC fines Mike Tedesco for indecency

'This guy is worse than Janet Jackson,' official says

Mike bares his breast at the Super Bowl halftime show

LAWRENCE, Kansas - Days after pop diva Janet Jackson outraged viewers during the Super Bowl halftime show, officials with the Federal Communications Commission announced they were deeply disturbed by Mike Tedesco's exposed breasts during his own performance.

"He didn't even wear a nipple shield," said FCC Chairman Michael Powell at a press conference in Washington. "Lord only knows how many children have been traumatized by Mr. Tedesco's prurient antics."

According to an FCC press release, Tedesco was spotted in public without his shirt as he smoked a cigarette. Witnesses said at first they thought Tedesco was wearing a sweater, but their curiosity turned to horror when they realized they were looking at Tedesco's glossy mane of upper-body hair, which covered his exposed breasts.

"It was really scary," said Tedesco's wife, Caitlin. "No one should have to go through that, including me."

Luna somehow survives to a ripe old age

Luna survives shock therapy as a puppy

CORPUS CHRISTI - Luna, the adorable but dumb German Shepherd that belongs to Mom and Rich, has overcome her own stupidity to live to a ripe old age, family members said today.

"Somehow she made it," Mom said as Luna moped around the living room, waiting for somebody to play fetch. "I can't count the times that dog flirted with death and walked away, which is amazing, given how stupid she is."

To date, Luna has survived chewing an electric chord, nearly drowning in the Gulf of Mexico, and colliding with a wall 214 times as she chased a tennis ball down the hallway and skidded across a slick floor.

Paul's wife doesn't win Pulitzer Prize in photography, surprising no one.

Huh?

DENVER - The foundation that awards the Pulitzer Prize was pleased to announce today that Paul's wife, Georgia, did not win the coveted award.

"Not only no, but hell no," said Lee C. Bollinger, president of Columbia University and a member of the Pulitzer prize committee.

As the owner of Georgia's Gallery of Shame in Denver, Colo., Georgia's photography has been a glowing example to millions of aspiring photographers of what not to do.

"The way Georgia fails to capture her subject takes my breath away," Bollinger said. "I can safely say, after analyzing hundreds of her photos at the gallery, that I need a stiff drink."

Features

What do readers say about the Tedesco Times?

"Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!"

-- Mike's probation officer

"Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!"

-- Joe's ex-girlfriend

"Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!"

-- Kathy Ireland, supermodel

"Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!"

-- John Aschcroft, U.S. Attorney General

"You'll be hearing from my lawyers!"

-- O.J. Simpson

Paul and Georgia started a business!

Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy!