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Mike, Caitlin graduate from college
Couple receives honors in party-animal researchLAWRENCE, Kansas - Mike and Caitlin Tedesco graduated recently from Kansas University with full honors in the school's prestigious party-animal studies program."The art of partying has a long and distinguished history in western culture, and Mike and his wife Caitlin tackled this subject with an intellectual vigor I haven't seen in years," Chancellor Robert E. Hemenway told thousands of graduates at a commencement ceremony. "While many researchers take a dry, hands-off approach to their fields of interest, Mike and Caitlin jumped into the party scene like hippies at a Pearl Jam mosh pit," Hemenway said. "Who can forget Mike's new one-handed keg stand technique, perfected after years of practice?" Hemenway asked. "And who can forget Caitlin's research into giggling fits induced by drinking copious quantities of chilled Grey Goose Vodka? Truly, these researchers are leaders in their field." "You guys rock!" added Hemenway, who then held up his hand with the forefinger and pinky extended and began banging his head like a Metallica groupie. First Tedesco boy in a generation born
Paul said in a telephone interview with the Tedesco Times that his wife and his new son, Cole, are both perfectly healthy. Experts said Cole's birth could tip the strategic gender balance of the Tedesco family's youngest generation, which is currently dominated by three adorable girls: Maddy, Lili and Gigi. "It will be interesting to see if Cole Tedesco can surmount the challenge of having two older sisters and a female cousin who are all cute as the dickens, but have a deadly, razor-sharp wit," said retired Secretary of State Colin Powell. "In the last generation of Tedescos, there were four sons born first and Kristin was the baby sister," Powell continued. "As you might imagine, Kristin didn't say a peep until the age of 7. I believe her first documented words were 'Stop it.'" "Will Cole follow the same steps of Kristin the mute girl, or will his natural prowess as a Tedesco guy thrive under the Machiavellian tactics of the sweet little Tedesco girls? It will be interesting to see how this shakes out," Powell said. He added: "You gotta admit though, Cole Tedesco is a pretty tough name." In a sign of hope, Paul said Cole's head was actually an inch larger than usual, which doctors said was to make room for the oversized male Tedesco ego he inherited. Tedesco finally hired in respectable job
Veteran Tedesco watchers said they were shocked to learn that Mike Tedesco was hired as a planning director for the mountain town of South Fork, Colo. The shocking move breaks a longstanding tradition among Tedescos of ditching school and being stuck with menial jobs. The trend began during the high school years when John began working at Dick's Hamburgers in Spokane, and Tedesco kids have followed the pattern faithfully ever since. "Who ever thought the words 'director' and 'Mike' would be found in the same sentence?" said a retired principal at Lewis and Clark High School in Spokane, which Mike attended off-and-on whenever he felt like it. "Please don't identify me," the school official added with a scared whisper. "He could still find me, you know." Rich reigns over Tedescos at pool
"I don't get it," Mike told reporters. "Rich kinda looks like a defenseless mark you might hustle at a smoky pool hall. But in reality, he's one of the sharks, a big scary shark with a pool stick, and he's trawling for guppies. "It really sucks being the guppy," Mike added. Paul, who has been trounced by Rich in 57 straight games, said the losses have taken a terrible toll on his ego. "What's the point of being a bar-fly if some college jockey keeps teaching you new ways to lose at a bar-fly game?" Paul said. "It almost makes me want to stop drinking. Almost." All the Tedesco children agreed that Rich's ownership of a pool table at his Corpus Christi home gives him a wide edge. "He knows exactly where the table slants slightly, and how to make a shot in that one spot where your cue bumps the wall," said an awestruck Kristin. "I bet he's a ninja." Joe, who is almost as good at pool as he thinks he is, said he's never seen Rich miss a shot, no matter how difficult. "You know the Tom Cruise movie "Top Gun," when Val Kilmer's code name was "Ice Man" because he never made a mistake? He steadily wears you down until you screw up and he makes the kill," Joe said. "Well, if Tom Cruise ever makes a movie about pool, Rich would be Ice Man." Another Tedesco kid turns thirty
“You never really see it coming,” said Joe Tedesco's little sister, Kristin, as she hung out in a hip Seattle café that Joe is now barred from entering. “I'll miss the old geezer," Kristin added. "Now that he's 30, I can’t hang out with him anymore. That would ruin my street cred.” As a decadent wine salesman, Joe once led a life full of fine drink, delicious meals and tasty cigars. Facing the demise of his youth, he was last seen gathering with friends and relatives who attempted to convince him that life as he knew it wasn't over.
After listening to Golden Oldies and taking their medication, the geriatric cousins opened two bottles of ancient wine dating to the years of their birth. “Just think what was happening in the world when this wine was bottled!” Joe mused as he perused his latest AARP newsletter. “Let’s see, 1975 … weren’t the Viet Cong invading Pearl Harbor or something?” Cute munchkins sign peace accord
Maddy Tedesco and her little cousin, Lili, agreed at a summit in Kansas that neither side would get jealous when a cool uncle or aunt played with the other munchkin. "For some time now, Maddy was a little envious of the attention Lili got at family get-togethers," said U.N. Secretary Kofi Annan, who helped broker the truce. "Maddy's an only child, you know, and it's kinda tough to see another cute kid get attention. Especially when you're cute-as-the-dickens yourself." The friction between the munchkins threatened to escalate. "I noticed that whenever someone took a picture of Lili, Maddy would jump in the frame and mug for the camera," said U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "This is just the kind of jealous thing the Soviets did before throwing up the Berlin Wall." But to the amazement of international observers, Maddy was later seen playing with Lili in Uncle John's entertainment room like they were old pals. "I'm so glad they're best buddies now," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "It would have been a shame if the U.S. Air Force had to carpet-bomb Kansas to bring peace and democracy there." Around the Nation: Cousin Anna stars in new commercials
Sales of Dr. Pepper, Old Spice skyrocket among TedescosHOLLYWOOD -- Cousin Anna's appearance in national commercials for Old Spice and Dr. Pepper has sparked a spending spree among the Tedescos.Revenues for the two companies hit record highs as the huge Tedesco family stocked up on soda and deodorant products. "I've never smelled so good in my life," Paul said in Denver as he prepared for work and spread Old Spice's "Pure Sport" body spray over his pale, skinny torso. "And with Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, I'm properly caffeinated all day." Already famous for her stunning performance in a Burger King commercial last year, Anna continued to impress Tedescos with her new work. The family marveled at a clever ad that featured Anna in a restaurant relishing a Dr. Pepper and tuning out her date. As the guy talks, Anna imagines him singing the fabled Muppet song, "Mahna Mahna," a tune that tapped deeply buried memories in all Tedesco children. "Boy, that song brought me back," Mike said as he guzzled his twelth Dr. Pepper of the morning. "I really loved the Muppets," Mike said. "Sure, it was disturbing years later when I learned Miss Piggy was voiced by a man. And yes, I've questioned my sexuality ever since. But that's a small price to pay to watch Animal go nuts on the drums." Poll: Tedesco guys totally awesome
The findings have astonished researchers who say Tedesco guys have done nothing to deserve such rave reviews. "Raising four brilliant sons has been the joy of my life," Mom said. "When I look back on the good times, like when John's high school friends paint-balled our house at 2 a.m., or that time he was caught guzzling wine at church as an altar boy, I realize how blessed I've been." Other Tedesco women shared Mom's sentiments. "Being the baby sister with four older brothers was a blast," Kristin said. "They always showed a streak of kindness when they tormented me, like the time Joe torched my Cabbage Patch Kid, and kindly gave me the charred, skeletal remains. Today, I can honestly say the therapy is working." Mike's wife, Caitlin, called her husband a "wonderful, wonderful man." "I'm so in love with Mike," Caitlin said. "When he disappears in the basement to bang away at that God-forsaken drum set and harass our white-trash neighbors, I feel like the luckiest woman alive." Paul's wife, Georgia, called her husband a gift from heaven who always shares his feelings. "He's such a talker! I can't get him to stop gabbing!" Georgia said with adoration. "It's like, jeez Paul, let me, my sisters and my mom get a word in edgewise!" Gallup pollster David Moore shook his head in bewilderment. "As far as we can tell, the only thing Tedesco guys do is drink Scotch, smoke cigars, and play poker," Moore said. "Yet they can do no wrong. Maybe I need to become a Tedesco." |
Features What do readers say about
the Tedesco Times? "Thanks for the great web site! Now I can see what the Tedesco family is up to!" "Finally, I've tracked down my scumbag boyfriend for child-support payments! Thanks, Tedesco Times!" "Do you have the phone number of the cute editor? I think John is dreamy!" "Thanks to the Tedesco Times, now we know where to direct our electronic monitoring efforts!" "You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Paul and Georgia started a business! 
Come back soon to check out the bankruptcy! |
