Health alert issued for unsafe levels of Van Halen

Joe the Van Halen lover

DENVER – Health officials warned residents today to avoid dangerously high levels of Van Halen, Joe Satriani, and other 1980s rockers whose songs have been played virtually nonstop since the arrival of guitarist Joe Tedesco, who moved to Denver from Austin three weeks ago.

“This is really bad,” said Dr. Alex Brewer, director of the city’s Health Department. “I haven’t seen this kind of sick obsession with trite music since the Rick Tedesco Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Fest of 2003.”

Local officials reported that Joe, a talented guitarist, has repeatedly played high doses of irrelevant glam-rock tunes at full blast in the basement of his brother’s house, within range of innocent children.

Brewer said the guitarist has a “sick penchant” for the Van Halen album “OU812,” which is considered a public-health hazard. Medical studies have found the hard-rock songs from the album, such as “Cabo Wabo” and “Sucka in a Three Piece,” kills brain cells in lab rats and most Tedescos.

Brewer said the same health risks exist no matter who the front man is for Van Halen, whether it’s David Lee Roth or “that one dude from Extreme.”