Joe unveils pretentious wine phrases for 2009

Joe the wine guy

Joe the wine guy

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine.

“My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today.

“Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about, without really saying anything of substance.”

Here are Joe’s favorite empty phrases, based on his years of experience in the wine industry, his voracious reading of every issue of Wine Spectator, and studying past press conferences of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara:

  • “Hmm. I’m getting petroleum on the nose with notes of diesel. Probably unleaded.”
  • “Woof, that’s a fat cab. Certainly Jenny Craig caliber.”
  • “Oh man, get a whiff of that napalm.”
  • “I’m getting acres and acres of earthy loam.”
  • “This has potential to be grippy, but it needs a few more hours of CPR.”
  • “Hmm, I’m getting a real fruity zing of strawberries, bananas, coconut … oh crap, this is a pina colada.”
  • “You can make up your own sayings and post them on the Tedesco Times,” Joe suggested to his loyal fans. “Maybe you’ll be creative as me! But I doubt it.”