WASHINGTON — With news that John Tedesco and Jennifer Hiller are expecting a daughter due in February, the U.S. Census Bureau held an emergency press conference today and warned that the agency has “absolutely no clue” how many Tedesco munchkins are roaming around out there.
“We have totally lost count of all these cute little Tedesco kids,” fretted Robert Portman, chief researcher of the Census Bureau’s statistical division. “I know it sounds crazy, since this agency is responsible for counting and studying the demographics of 310 million Americans. But have you ever tried to keep up with a Tedesco tyke? Good luck with that.”To illustrate the challenges facing the Census Bureau, Portman attempted to count every Tedesco child but was forced to use his fingers to keep track.
“Let’s see, there’s Lili, Gigi and Cole. That’s three,” Portman told reporters. “Mike and Caitlin have some kids, too, right? Yeah, Cooper and Maddy. Don’t forget Kristin and Garrett’s daughter Makenna. How many kids is that now? Six? Seven?
“Then we heard that John and Jennifer had an ultrasound today and learned they’re having a daughter. And they already have Pete! My God, how big is this family?”
Portman turned to an aide. “Did you ever find out if Joe has a kid? Waddaya mean the paternity test was inconclusive? I need answers, man! Answers! We have a national crisis on our hands!”
Portman then collapsed at the podium and wept.
If the proliferation of Tedesco children continues unabated, the Census Bureau predicts that one in five Americans will carry the dreaded Tedesco gene by the year 2020.