SAN ANTONIO — Military officials confirmed today that an unidentified man entered a local daycare, hoisted 1-year-old Pete Tedesco in his arms, and proceeded to zoom around the play room making World War II-era dogfighter noises and performing mock strafing runs on delighted children and horrified adults.
“Pilot to bombardier — pilot to bombardier — target sighted,” the man was heard announcing over an imaginary radio. Then a squealing Pete Tedesco swooped in on a “soft” target — a stationary toddler who, hypothetically, could also have been a Mitsubishi F1M caught by surprise during a routine patrol.
As Pete’s feet hit their mark, the sound of dual mounted machine guns filled the normally tranquil room with an earth-shattering “Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!”
Officials said the mysterious practice of giving World War II “airplane rides” to Tedesco munchkins appears to have a long history in the Tedesco crime family going back to the 1970s.
“Apparently it originated with a mysterious man named John Chin, a family friend who studied World War II religiously,” said Pentagon spokesman Gilbert Williams.
“This Chin character used to zip around with Tedesco kids and perform mock bombing runs on unsuspecting bystanders with astoundingly accurate sound effects from the Battle of Midway. Sounds terrifying.”
Workers at Pete Tedesco’s daycare said the crowd of awestruck, bombarded toddlers appeared to enjoy the spectacle. But the adults were horrified when Pete took delight in turning his gun sights on them.
“Pete just seemed to enjoy it a little too much,” said one shell-shocked witness, who asked to remain unidentified.