DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today.
“I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver Fire Department. “I know what a marshmallow melt is supposed to look like. I’m here to tell you, this was no ordinary fire. Those marshmallows never stood a chance.”
Arson investigators spent hours combing the wreckage of Paul’s barbeque pit, looking for clues that could explain how a tiny fire that was supposed to toast friendly little marshmallows for Tedesco children could rage into an insatiable volcano of doom.
“Everyone knows you’re supposed to lightly toast the marshmallow, not char it with a hydrogen bomb,” Wilkerson said.
Horrified onlookers said the Tedesco kids kept imploring Paul Tedesco to put more and more wood on the towering inferno. Paul finally put a stop to it after Gigi started making offerings to Haphaestus, the Greek god of fire.