Report: Squirrel spotted in Paul’s backyard

Rosie

DENVER — The Pentagon announced today that field operative Rosie the Dog spotted another squirrel in the demilitarized zone of Paul Tedesco’s backyard.

“At approximately 0900 hours today, Rosie the Dog alerted the neighborhood that a squirrel was hopping along the backyard fence of Sector 3 in Paul Tedesco’s backyard,” Pentagon spokesman Derrick Rogers told reporters at a press conference.

“We take these reports very seriously,” Rogers said, noting that Rosie has called in 935 other squirrel sightings in the past six months, making Paul Tedesco’s backyard a hotbed of squirrel activity.

“Unfortunately, because the squirrels are operating in a residential neighborhood, we are not able to launch the drone-mounted hellfire missiles that Rosie constantly begs us for,” Rogers concluded.