SAN ANTONIO — A ramshackle fort made of pillows, blankets and couch cushions in the home of Pete and Sophie Tedesco violated numerous security protocols and even looked as if children had built it, dumbfounded military officials announced today.
“Wow. Where to begin?” visibly flabbergasted Randall Yates of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers told reporters at a press conference. “First of all, who builds a $126 million military installation out of pillows? Seriously. That thing wouldn’t withstand a stiff breeze, let alone a sustained frontal attack by enemy forces.”
Yates said “there isn’t enough time in the day” to list all the other problems with the pillow fort, which was believed to have been constructed by people with no engineering degrees or a rudimentary understanding of military tactics.
“One whole side of the ‘structure’ — and I use that term loosely — is resting on a foundation of cute little munchkin legs,” Yates said, making air quotes with his fingers when he said “structure.”
“Our intel says it’s unclear whether those legs belong to Pete or Sophie. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is tickle those tiny bare Tedesco feet and it’s game over. That whole structure is going to topple from a surprise tickle attack by Mommy, Daddy or rebel forces. Who the hell designed this thing? Haliburton?”
Yates said the military plans on hiring a contractor, Sophie Sue Demolition, Inc., to deal with the substandard fort by “blowing it to smithereens.”