Joe desperately trying to think of new pretentious wine phrases

Joe the wine guy

Joe the wine guy

DENVER — Joe Tedesco, wine connoisseur and master of Orwellian euphemisms, has been desperately trying to come up with fresh, pretentious ways to describe wine, sources told the Tedesco Times.

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but Joe really seems to be losing his touch,” Paul Tedesco said. “Lately he’s been speaking succinctly in direct, plain English. It’s weird.”

Other longtime observers of Joe’s verbal acrobatics agreed.

“The other day, we were trying out a new wine,” Dad said. “Normally, Joe would say something like, ‘Woof, you can really taste those residual sugars.’ But instead, he just said in plain English that it ‘tasted sweet.’ We all looked at him like he lost his mind. It was kind of embarrassing, really.”

Paul said he hopes Joe can pull out of his tailspin before anyone notices something is terribly wrong.

“Joe has spent years mastering the ability to cloud the real meaning of sentences,” Paul said. “We don’t call him ‘McNamara’ for nothing. I hope he figures something out soon. It’d be a shame to let all that talent go to waste.”