WASHINGTON — With the exciting announcement that Cousin Annie and her husband, Mark, are expecting a baby in June, the U.S. Census Bureau held an emergency press conference today and warned that the agency has “absolutely no clue” how many cute Tedesco munchkins are roaming around out there.“My God, another one?” fretted Robert Portman, chief researcher of the Census Bureau’s statistical division. “How many adorable babies do these Tedesco families plan on producing? We have completely and utterly lost count of the little monsters.”
To illustrate the challenges facing the Census Bureau, a federal agency responsible for counting every person in the United States every decade, Portman attempted to count every Tedesco child born in recent years but was forced to use his fingers to keep track.
“Let’s see, off the top of my head there’s Nisha, Lili, Gigi, Cole, Pete and Sophie. So that’s six or seven tykes right there,” Portman told reporters. “Mike and Caitlin have some kids, too, right? Yeah, Cooper and Maddy. Don’t forget Kristin and Garrett’s daughter Makenna. How many munchkins are we up to now? Christ, let me start over.”
Portman turned to an aide. “I asked you before and I’ll ask you again, have you gotten the results of those paternity tests? We need to know how many kids Joe has. I need answers, man! Answers! We have a national crisis on our hands!”
Portman then stormed out of the press conference, weeping.
If the proliferation of Tedesco children continues unabated, the Census Bureau predicts that one in five Americans will carry the dreaded Tedesco gene by the year 2020.