WASHINGTON — After learning of the recent birth of Kristin’s daughter, federal officials announced today that the skyrocketing number of Tedesco babies “defies belief” and there’s no scientific way to keep track of them all.
“No joke, I give up,” said Robert Portman, chief researcher of the Census Bureau’s statistical division, which tallies every single man, woman and child in the United States every 10 years.
“For reals, I have personally tried to count the number of Tedesco munchkins roaming around out there and it’s impossible,” Portman said when told about the birth of Kristin’s daughter, baby Story. “We have a national crisis on our hands, people.”
In past press conferences, Portman tried to illustrate the challenges facing the Census Bureau by counting every known Tedesco child, but was forced to use his fingers to keep track. This time was no exception.
“OK, we know about Lili, Gigi and Cole. That’s three,” Portman told reporters. “Mike and Caitlin have some kids, too, right? Yeah, Cooper and Maddy. John and Jennifer have at least two munchkins that we know of, Pete and Sophie. Don’t forget Nisha and Josie. Oh Christ, Kristin has Makenna, right? How many kids is that now? 12? Two dozen? Jesus.”
Portman turned to an aide. “I asked you before and I’ll ask you again, have you gotten the results of those paternity tests? We need to know how many kids Joe has. I need answers, man! Answers! We have a national crisis on our hands!”
Portman then stormed out of the press conference, weeping.
If the proliferation of Tedesco children continues unabated, the Census Bureau predicts that one in five Americans will carry the dreaded Tedesco gene by the year 2020.