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Kristin obsessed with 'Golden Girls'

Near death's door
The aging stars of a dead sitcom
SEATTLE Kristin Tedesco's bizarre obsession with the "Golden Girls" sitcom was unexpectedly made public today, ruining the reputation of the Tedesco family once and for all.

Addict
Kristin
The painful revelation was made on a wedding website that detailed plans for her August marriage to Garrett Cook, who leaked the classified information in a web posting.

"Well, now the cat's out of the bag and the whole world knows," Mom said, shaking her head in dismay. "I try to tell myself it's nothing to be ashamed of. Except it is."

Family members said they tried for years to wean Kristin off her addiction, even attempting an intervention in 2002 by showing her reruns of "The Cosby Show." But Kristin slipped back to her destructive lifestyle.

"We've all been mystified by Krissy's Golden Girls problem," Dad said. "I could kind of understand Paul's 'Diff'rent Strokes' obsession. But 'Golden Girls?' Seriously, everytime I see Blanche employ her Southern charms, I gag."

John narrowly avoids bifocals

Before
How John felt before eye exam
After
How John felt after eye exam
SAN ANTONIO The wisest, coolest Tedesco son nearly became an old geezer today when his eye doctor came dangerously close to prescribing bifocals.

"When he mentioned the "B" word, my whole life flashed right before my eyes," said John, a 32-year-old stud muffin. "Too bad I couldn't see my life, because apparently I'm blind."

John's doctor called him a "borderline" case and said he probably would have to wear the reputation-ruining lenses in a few years, dashing all hopes of maintaining an adventurous, jet-setting lifestyle.

"How am I supposed to dominate the family touch-football game at Thanksgiving wearing Coke bottles for glasses?" John asked as he munched on a bag of carrots in hopes of improving his vision. "I might as well invest in a nice rocking chair and stock up on crossword puzzles, just like Dad."

John said the doctor's medical advice will haunt him for years.

"When he said bifocals, my heart skipped a beat," John said. "Guess that means I better go to a doctor to get the ticker checked."

Mike: Help us name next Tedesco kid

Baby names
What should be the name of Mike and Caitln's new baby?

Alex
Avery
Bruchi

Parker
Sloan
Verchelli
Stop watching so many "Godfather" movies


View Results
SOUTH FORK, Colo. The name of the next Tedesco baby is in the hands of the American public after Mike and Caitlin Tedesco announced they have no idea what to call him.

Cowboy
Caitlin and Mike
"Dude, all the good names are taken," Mike said at a press conference. "At this point the best name we can come up with is 'Hey You.' And we can't really use it because that was my name growing up."

After watching the "Godfather" trilogy for inspiration, Mike came up with a short list of what he said are cool Italian names that he and Caitlin might settle on.

"I did my job and made this baby," Mike said. "Now it's up to you, America."

Cowboy crooner terrorizes family

Cowboy
Police say this crooning cowboy assaulted the Tedesco and Haswell families with country music
BANDERA, Tex. Police are searching for a guitar-strumming cowboy who mercilessly serenaded a family with country melodies.

Survivors of the twangy attack said they were eating a holiday dinner at a dude ranch when the ear-jarring onslaught began.

"I just remember turning around and seeing this cowboy singing about his dead dog and incarcerated mother," Mom said after the incident. "It went on like that all through dinner. Thank God we all survived."

Spending the holidays at the Mayan Ranch, a 350-acre spread in the Texas Hill Country, the Tedesco and Haswell families were also traumatized by horse rides and Texas Two-Step dance lessons.

Truce broken in Risk game

Traitor Traitor
Garrett laughs as he breaks a peace treaty Joe mulls how to break a promise to a brother
BANDERA, Tex. A friendly game of Risk turned deadly serious when Joe Tedesco and his future brother-in-law, Garrett Cook, teamed up to ruthlessly attack a peaceful civilization.

United Nations officials said the innocent victim, the Reverend John P. Tedesco, had been developing a rural, utopian society in North and South America during the strategy game when tyrants Garrett and Joe launched a sneak attack.

"Oh, did we have a truce?" Garrett asked innocently as he rolled the dice with glee while his Navy in Kamchatka bombarded John's freedom-loving Eskimos in Alaska.

Minutes later, Joe's Navy in North Africa attacked John's peaceful Indians in Brazil.

"I never actually used the word 'truce,'" Joe said as John pleaded on behalf of his peace-loving people. "I just promised I wouldn't attack you."

His faith in humanity shattered, John went on to win the game of world domination. He promised Joe and Garrett would receive a fair trial before their one-way trip to the Guillotine.

Cole climbs towering stairs

Mountain climber
Cole begins scaling Mount Staircase
DENVER Rookie mountaineer Cole Tedesco has successfully scaled Mount Staircase, a towering, 2,000-milimeter peak that has proven hazardous for two teddy bears, a motorized toy bee, and numerous stubbed toes on Daddy's foot.

"Mount Staircase doesn't mess around, I'll tell you that much," said Cole's father, Paul Tedesco, who recently installed slippery, hardwood steps on the mountain's face that added another challenge for the toddler.

"Cole started from base camp and steadily made his way to the summit without safety harnesses or motor-control skills," Paul said. "Who knows why he does it. The thrill? The chicks? Maybe both."

Cole's publicist said the mountain climber next plans to climb out of his crib with no help.

Cute munchkins learn hip sayings

Maddy
Lili
Gigi
DENVER Impressionable Tedesco children can be easily taught snappy one-liners and useful references to pop culture that will serve them for years to come, aunts and uncles announced today.

"As an aunt, it's my job to prepare these kids for the real world," said Caitlin Tedesco after spending a recent Thanksgiving weekend with adorable nieces and a cute nephew.

"When Lili faces adversity, what's she supposed to do, curl up in a fetal position?" Caitlin asked. "No way. That's why she snaps her fingers and says, 'Oh no you di' int!' It works for me all the time with Mike."

Each Tedesco child has gone through a rigorous indoctrination process to parrot lines from movies such as "Swingers," "Old School" and "The Shining" that have absolutely no meaning to them now, but will in years to come, the relatives said.

"Sometimes it's a lot of work, no doubt about it," said uncle John Tedesco. "But I can't tell you how gratifying it is when we're all eating at a restaurant and Maddy pipes up, 'Where are all the honey babies?' It's like, wow, you read my mind, kid. Where are all the honey babies?"

Tedesco kids have also successfully learned "You're so money," "You loco, ese," and John Travolta's dance moves in "Pulp Fiction."

Sales at thrift stores skyrocket

Thrift store geek
Kristin goes berserk at a thrift store
SEATTLE Thrift stores in this hip city reported record sales today after thrift addicts Kristin Tedesco and her brother John embarked on a whirlwind shopping spree.

"They cleaned us out, and we have three floors here," said a stunned Crystal Rogers, a clerk at the Value Village store near downtown Seattle.

"The cute dreamy guy, I guess his name is John, bought every flannel shirt like they were going out of style. Which they are," Rogers said. "And that country chick he was with snagged every vintage cowgirl shirt on the rack. I guess she's shooting for that Howdy-Doody look."

Employees at other stores reported similar tales.

"Apparently the cute guy was visiting his sister from Texas, and this was his one big chance to score some cool stuff for cheap," said Rachelle Romero, who works at the Buffalo Exchange near the University of Washington. "He was all excited, snagging a bunch of trendy shirts. It didn't even faze him when I said, 'Sir, this is the women's section.'"

The Tedesco family denied a rumor that the last time he was in Seattle, John accidentally purchased a pair of women's slacks and wore them to work before realizing they were way too snug.

Paul: My new mini-van rocks

Domesticated guy
Munckin Mobile
The Munchkin Mobile, with Paul at the helm
DENVER Paul Tedesco, a father of three adorable kids who need constant attention, announced at a press conference today that his new mini-van "totally rocks."

"Dude, I don't know how I survived so long without this thing," Paul mused as he relaxed in the roomy, air-conditioned interior of his new Honda Odyssey.

Dubbed "the Munchkin Mobile," the van comfortably seats a gaggle of toddlers; the wife and assorted in-laws; and golf clubs in the back for times "when I gotta get the hell outta Dodge," Paul said.

Munchkin
A Tedesco munchkin
The van is no slouch under the hood either, Paul reported. With the V8 engine, Paul's family of five can go from 0-60 mph in less time than it takes for a Teletubby to say "Uh oh."

"Don't worry, the kids are buckled tight in their safety seats," Paul said reassuringly. "They can handle the G-forces."

Paul said he's learned to see mini-vans in a new light.

"Sometimes, when no one's looking, I'll sneak into the garage and just hang out in this little slice of heaven," Paul said as he caressed the dashboard. "No distractions. Just me and my baby."

Old Tedesco hideout discovered

Tedesco hideout
Tedesco punks grew up in this peaceful-looking house
SPOKANE, Wash. A mysterious house believed to be an early childhood hideout for Tedesco punks has finally been located and photographed.

"Wow, this place looks pretty cool," said Caitlin Tedesco, who tracked down the two-story home out of curiosity to see where her fugitive husband, Mike, learned his criminal ways as a kid.

Visiting family near Spokane during a recent vacation, Caitlin discovered her mother happened to work not far from the alleged Tedesco hideout on East 9th Avenue, and decided to check it out.

"I had heard so much about it, I had to see it for myself," said Caitlin, who gave it a rave review. "It looks kind of like a really cool frat house, which explains why Tedesco guys like keg parties and think they're God's gift to women."

The sleuth
Caitlin the sleuth
Located on a dead-end street, the home was perfectly hidden from prying eyes and the Spokane Police Department. The street ends at a wooded property that Tedesco hoodlums called "The Hill."

Apparently the site of an abandoned city park, The Hill featured a beat-up basketball court, towering rocks to climb, and a steep alleyway that, in winter, turned into an icy chute of horror for children on sleds.

The hideout is also near the brick ruins of the old Cataldo Catholic School, which was mysteriously razed to the ground shortly after Tedescos began attending there.

Update: Georgia still not pregnant

Unpregnant and happy
Georgia, in a rare pregnant pause
DENVER Georgia Ramirez Tedesco, who gave birth to three cute Tedesco kids in as many years, has shocked family members by remaining skinny and unpregnant for months.

"Georgia's overdue for a bun in the oven," said her husband, Paul Tedesco. "It's really a medical mystery why she's not pregnant. No one recognizes her now. Our kids are like, 'Daddy, who's that scrawny lady?'"

The new Georgia is a completely different person, Paul said.

"I miss the crabby moods and bizarre cravings for Lucky Charms," said the crestfallen husband. "Not to mention, the Bush Administration was really counting on us to pop out Tedesco kids so more young people can shore up Social Security. I feel like such a traitor."

Paul tried every trick he knows to bring Georgia back to a healthy, pregnant state and in the process pulled a hamstring during a particularly tricky Kamasutra position. Nothing seems to work.

"Christ, what's a guy gotta do to get a chick pregnant around here?" Paul asked.

Mike resembles guy in 'The Shining'

Scary guy
Pool shark
Heeeeere's Mikey
SOUTH FORK, Colo After moving his family to this isolated mountain town, scruffy ruffian Mike Tedesco is starting to look more and more like that creepy guy in the horror movie "The Shining," Mike's wife Caitlin told reporters at a press conference today.

"I know it sounds weird, but the similarities are all there," Caitlin said. "Jack Nicholson took his family to the mountains, where he stopped shaving and talking. We moved to South Fork, and Mike already looks like a mountain man. And I don't have to tell you how Mike only communicates with grunts and chewing noises.

"Coincidence? I don't think so."

Caitlin said living in South Fork is awkward because several years ago an uncle taught their daughter, Maddy, to say "Red Rum" in a creepy voice, just like the boy in the movie.

"That little trick is going over really well with the teachers at school," Caitlin said with a sigh. "Thanks a lot, Uncle John."

Mike, who has spent weeks in the basement typing his new book, tentatively titled "All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy," could not be reached for comment.

Gambler challenges Maddy to rematch

Poker Ace
Maddy wears her poker face
LUBBOCK Famed Texas poker player Shawn Rice challenged Maddy Tedesco to a rematch today after losing to the cute munchkin in a high-stakes game.

"Hello Maddy," Rice wrote in a friendly e-mail to the young genius in response to a story that appeared in a past issue of the Tedesco Times. "Shawn Rice here and would love to have a rematch with 'The Kid' under two conditions: No more chomping on that cigar and no shades.

"Would love a shot at getting my $430,300 back," added Rice, a native of Lubbock, Texas who twice made it to the finals of the World Series of Poker.

Poker Ace
Rice wrote a nice e-mail to Maddy
Industry observers noted it was odd how the only newspaper to document Maddy's victory over Rice and other Poker veterans was the obscure Tedesco Times.

The paper's top editor said any suggestion that he concocted a story about a little girl defeating Poker pros in Las Vegas "is an attack on rock-solid reporting that accurately reflected events that did not not happen in my imagination."

Maddy, who was last seen celebrating her victory at her mountain retreat in South Fork, Colo., issued a statement thanking Rice for his message and for funding her college tuition when she grows up.

Tedesco Times offers new stuff for sale

cool shirt
Spruce up your pathetic wardrobe with a "My niece is cuter than your niece" shirt
SAN ANTONIO The fashion industry was outraged today upon learning the Tedesco Times is now selling cool products at a new online store.

"How are we supposed to compete with this totally awesome Tedesco Times stuff?" asked fashion guru Tommy Hilfiger. "I've already bought some sweet baseball T-shirts. I can't stop myself."

The Tedesco Times shop can be found at Cafepress.com. Send a Letter to the Editor if you want to offer any more cool products or slogans.

One dollar out of every item purchased goes to the nonprofit "John Tedesco Cigar Fund."

Mike plays matchmaker, hits pay dirt

the matchmaker
Mike (left) plots his next move with love birds Garrett and Kristin
SEATTLE After introducing his kid sister to a grade-school buddy and encouraging them to date, Mike "The Cupid" Tedesco announced today that he "really hit the mother load" with the latest news that a wedding is in the works for Kristin Tedesco and Garrett Cook.

"Boo yah!" Mike announced at a press conference as he smoked a celebratory cigar. "Can I call 'em or what? Damn, I should make a living at this. I'm a walking Match.com. Those two better name their firstborn after me."

When Kristin met Garrett at Mike's own wedding in Moscow, Idaho, the pair began seeing each other at Mike's insistence.

The relationship blossomed through years of Mike's patient, unrelenting encouragement, and the effort finally paid off when Garrett recently surprised Kristin at a restaurant with a wedding proposal and ring.

Mike appeared to relish his victory.

"Can you think of a single instance, in the entire history of mankind, where an attempt at matchmaking didn't end in disaster?" Mike asked. "Hell no. Then I come along, pull a few strings, and alter the lives of Krissy and Garrett, our families, and generations of offspring to come. My pimping abilities are almost scary."

Mike then turned to Garrett, who was sheepishly standing behind the pack of reporters.

"Who's yo daddy?" Mike shouted. "Who is yo daddy?"

Legos added to Tedesco food pyramid

Yum
Gigi (right) builds and then consumes a Lego peanut butter and jelly sandwhich
DENVER In an unexpected move, the U.S. Department of Agriculture expanded the nutritional food pyramid of meat, dairy products and vegetables to include a new category: plastic toy Legos.

"Tedesco children have been eating Legos for years with no ill effects," said USDA Secretary Mike Johanns. "We now believe Legos are the important building blocks of a nutritious breakfast. Dig in, America."

Johanns said a daily eight-ounce serving of plastic Legos meets the dietary needs of cute Tedesco munchkins by providing crucial carbohydrates and hydrocarbons.

Parents of toddler Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, of Denver, make sure she eats her three square meals of Lego blocks every day.

"Gigi is growing up so fast by eating Legos!" Georgia gushed. "Her stomach is the shape of a giant plastic cube, but otherwise she's perfectly healthy."

Around the Nation:

Chuck E. Cheese lobbies for air bags

Looming car wreck
Maddy Tedesco pictured with Chuck E. Cheese seconds before the mouse stopped smiling
WASHINGTON Company executives representing the playful mouse Chuck E. Cheese lobbied Congress today to require mandatory airbags in all play cars driven by Tedesco children.

"We like to say Chuck E. Cheese is a place where a kid can be a kid," said company President Mike H. Magusiak. "Well, after a trip with a Tedesco at the wheel, you will quickly remember what it was like to be a kid as your whole life passes before your eyes in one terrifying moment."

Magusiak said the company has documented dozens of incidents in which Tedesco children driving stationary car rides somehow managed to "scare the Bejeezus" out of hapless mouse passengers.

"We've identified the worst driver as Maddy Tedesco, age 5, of South Fork, Colorado," Magusiak said. "When Ms. Tedesco visits family members in cities that have Chuck E. Cheese establishments, we simply shut down for the day to avoid any more mishaps.

"Our insurance premiums have skyrocketed nearly 35 percent all because of Ms. Tedesco," Magusiak said. "What kills me is there's three more Tedesco children out there, waiting for the day when they're old enough to drive a car ride. There goes my 401(k)."

Tedescos make Bocce Ball look hard

Bocce player
Bocce player
Dad throws a Bocce Ball clocked at 82 mph
LAWRENCE, Kansas Tedescos attempting to play the Italian game of Bocce Ball managed to embarrass themselves and their heritage in one fell swoop, witnesses reported today.

"You would think an Italian family like ours would be ingrained with the necessary skills to play the game of our ancestors," Uncle John said as Bocce Balls careened wildly in his front yard.

"You would be wrong. Very, very wrong."

Mystified spectators said the simple game was made unduly complicated by Tedesco guys who lacked basic motor-control skills.

"It's pretty simple," Aunt Sue said. "Gently lob the ball to the target. Do not hurl it with all your might and re-enact 'Deep Impact' in our lawn. Christ, get with it, guys."

Cousin Anna and her friend Katie, who had never played the game but managed to defeat two Tedesco guys, said it was a snap.

"What's so complicated about this?" Anna said as she tossed a Bocce Ball with pinpoint precision. "We could offer Bocce Ball lessons, but I doubt it would help."

Knowledgeable observers said Tedescos display a similar lack of skill when it comes to golf, football, and other games they think they're good at.

Gianna looks like Joe's baby pics

Cute kid
Gigi in 2005
Not so cute kid
Joe in 1975
DENVER The Tedesco family was astonished to learn today that toddler Gigi Ramirez Tedesco bears a frightening resemblance to the baby pictures of her 30-year-old uncle, Joe Tedesco.

"I was going through some old photos the other day and stumbled across a picture of Joe when he was like 2 years old or something, " Gigi's father, Paul Tedesco, recalled in an interview with the Tedesco Times.

"This was before his Van Halen phase," Paul clarified.

"Suddenly, Gigi's sister pipes up, 'Gigi! Gigi!' She thought that picture of Joe was her own sister, for crying out loud!" Paul continued. "Creepy."

Paul's wife, Georgia, said she had noticed other similarities between Gigi and Joe, a golf fanatic who sells wine and worships the movie "Sideways."

"One time I was making breakfast and I could have sworn I heard Gigi say the words, 'No way I'm drinking Merlot.' I spun around and Gigi was just sitting there smiling, eating her boogers.

"The Merlot thing might have been a coincidence," Georgia added. "But eating boogers? That's so Joe."

Mike, Caitlin graduate from college

The graduates
Mike and Caitlin Tedesco wave to fellow party animals

Couple receives honors in party-animal research

LAWRENCE, Kansas Mike and Caitlin Tedesco graduated recently from Kansas University with full honors in the school's prestigious party-animal studies program.

"The art of partying has a long and distinguished history in western culture, and Mike and his wife Caitlin tackled this subject with an intellectual vigor I haven't seen in years," Chancellor Robert E. Hemenway told thousands of graduates at a commencement ceremony.

"While many researchers take a dry, hands-off approach to their fields of interest, Mike and Caitlin jumped into the party scene like hippies at a Pearl Jam mosh pit," Hemenway said.

"Who can forget Mike's new one-handed keg stand technique, perfected after years of practice?" Hemenway asked. "And who can forget Caitlin's research into giggling fits induced by drinking copious quantities of chilled Grey Goose Vodka? Truly, these researchers are leaders in their field."

"You guys rock!" added Hemenway, who then held up his hand with the forefinger and pinky extended and began banging his head like a Metallica groupie.

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