Massive bonfire

Fire codes violated during marshmallow melt

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today. “I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver…

Gigi and the toothfairy

Gigi reports record earnings of $125,000 in Tooth Fairy subsidies

DENVER — Officials with the Internal Revenue Service said today they were perplexed by the tax returns of Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, who reported receiving $125,000 in taxable income from the Tooth Fairy this year. “We realize that payments by the Tooth Fairy are way higher than the typical quarter-per-tooth system we had when we were…

Gigi the telemarketer

Gigi accused of high-pressure sales tactics in telemarketing scheme

WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch. “Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs…

Gigi and her Build-A-Bear

Tedesco girls join Build-a-Bear cult

DENVER — Throngs of Tedesco children are flocking to the new toy store Build-a-Bear Workshop Inc., resulting in skyrocketing profits for the cult-like corporation. “At Build-a-Bear, our company is where friends are made,” spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our best friends are the cute little Tedesco munchkins Maddy, Lili and Gigi, who have completed…

Candyland game goes horribly wrong

Candyland game goes horribly wrong

DENVER — United Nations officials have called for an end to all hostilities at the home of Paul and Georgia Tedesco, where an innocent game of Candyland turned into a Machiavellian display of political gamesmanship by three cute Tedesco munchkins. “Yikes,” father Paul Tedesco said as he tried to referee the cuthroat game. “I’m related…