Joe the Van Halen lover

Local man ruins jam session

DENVER, Colo. — A totally sweet jam session was ruined when guitarist Joe Tedesco accidentally missed a note in Eddie Van Halen’s solo “Eruption,” authorities announced today. Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said. “I can confirm…

Joe the wine guy

Joe unveils pretentious wine phrases for 2009

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine. “My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today. “Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know…

Joe the Van Halen lover

Health alert issued for unsafe levels of Van Halen

DENVER – Health officials warned residents today to avoid dangerously high levels of Van Halen, Joe Satriani, and other 1980s rockers whose songs have been played virtually nonstop since the arrival of guitarist Joe Tedesco, who moved to Denver from Austin three weeks ago. “This is really bad,” said Dr. Alex Brewer, director of the…

Kevn the slave driver

Cruel In-law forces Tedescos to perform grueling work

DENVER — A weeklong vacation in Denver to see the family and “chill” suddenly turned into a nightmarish task of grunt work for the Tedesco boys, they announced today at a press conference. “Dude, it was like — I don’t have the words,” a shaken Joe Tedesco told reporters after the grueling errand. After taking…