Massive bonfire

Fire codes violated during marshmallow melt

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today. “I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver…

Maddy's birthday party

Claim: Boys discussed at birthday party

PUEBLO, Colo — A birthday party for Maddy Tedesco, 10, was allegedly focused on top-secret talks about boys, sources told the Tedesco Times today. “I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard,” Maddy’s mother, Caitlin, told reporters at a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “The girls were all whispering and giggling and…

Maddy hones Ping Pong skills for Olympics

PUEBLO, Colo. — A local man was hospitalized today after Olympic athlete Maddy Tedesco trounced him in a cutthroat game of Ping Pong, in preparation for this year’s Summer Olympics in China. “Sweet Jesus! What hit me?” asked Maddy’s uncle, John Tedesco, 26, shortly after he was struck in the forehead with a ping pong…