Perfect Strangers

DNA test conclusively proves Tedesco family related to Balki from ‘Perfect Strangers’

In a bombshell report, a DNA test that shows the genetic heritage of Tedesco kids reveals that some of their ancestors were from Greece and the Balkans — a surprising discovery that must surely mean the family is related to Balki Bartokomous, the beloved young goat herder featured in the 1980s ABC television show, “Perfect…

Rosie

Report: Squirrel spotted in Paul’s backyard

DENVER — The Pentagon announced today that field operative Rosie the Dog spotted another squirrel in the demilitarized zone of Paul Tedesco’s backyard. “At approximately 0900 hours today, Rosie the Dog alerted the neighborhood that a squirrel was hopping along the backyard fence of Sector 3 in Paul Tedesco’s backyard,” Pentagon spokesman Derrick Rogers told…

Massive bonfire

Fire codes violated during marshmallow melt

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today. “I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver…

Paul and his awesome grill

Report: Paul likes his awesome grill a little too much

DENVER, Colo. — A consumer watchdog group unveiled a report today that revealed a troubling pattern of obsessive grilling by barbecue aficionado Paul Tedesco. “Ever since Paul bought his gas-powered Kirkland Signature grill from Costco, he has completely abandoned the kitchen and now cooks all meals outside on the deck, like he’s freakin’ Steven Raichlen…

Paul's housing boom

Real estate values skyrocket in Paul’s backyard

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.” Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at…