Paul

Old video footage reveals Tedesco kids were total dorkwads

WASHINGTON — Researchers at the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration announced today that unearthed archival footage of the Tedesco family conclusively proves how the ragtag gang of kids growing up in the 1970s were total dorkwads. “Historians have held heated debates about the true history of the Tedesco kids,” said chief archivist David S.…

Massive bonfire

Fire codes violated during marshmallow melt

DENVER — A casual family ritual of toasting s’mores in Paul Tedesco’s backyard escalated into an apocalyptic inferno that instantly incinerated scores of marshmallows and violated numerous city fire codes, authorities announced at a press conference today. “I’ve been fighting fires for more than 20 years,” said Battalion Fire Chief Mike Wilkerson of the Denver…

Makenna at Build-A-Bear

Makenna joins Build-A-Bear cult

DENVER — Build-A-Bear Workshop Inc. announced at a press conference today that it is one step closer to world domination thanks to its newest fan, Tedesco munchkin Makenna Cook. “At Build-a-Bear, Tedesco girls are our best friends,” company spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our new best friend is Makenna, who completed our cult-like indoctrination…

Cooper can't stand Italian food

Cooper resists eating his spaghetti breakfast

DENVER — Family members of Cooper Tedesco, 2, announced today they were concerned with his refusal to enjoy the main food groups of any good Italian: spaghetti, spaghetti, and spaghetti. “I really don’t get it,” Cooper’s father, Mike, told reporters at a press conference. “By my calculations, Cooper’s only eaten half his body weight in…