Gigi and the toothfairy

Gigi reports record earnings of $125,000 in Tooth Fairy subsidies

DENVER — Officials with the Internal Revenue Service said today they were perplexed by the tax returns of Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, who reported receiving $125,000 in taxable income from the Tooth Fairy this year. “We realize that payments by the Tooth Fairy are way higher than the typical quarter-per-tooth system we had when we were…

Paul and his awesome grill

Report: Paul likes his awesome grill a little too much

DENVER, Colo. — A consumer watchdog group unveiled a report today that revealed a troubling pattern of obsessive grilling by barbecue aficionado Paul Tedesco. “Ever since Paul bought his gas-powered Kirkland Signature grill from Costco, he has completely abandoned the kitchen and now cooks all meals outside on the deck, like he’s freakin’ Steven Raichlen…

Makenna at Build-A-Bear

Makenna joins Build-A-Bear cult

DENVER — Build-A-Bear Workshop Inc. announced at a press conference today that it is one step closer to world domination thanks to its newest fan, Tedesco munchkin Makenna Cook. “At Build-a-Bear, Tedesco girls are our best friends,” company spokesperson Imelda Hucksley told reporters. “And our new best friend is Makenna, who completed our cult-like indoctrination…

Primo's wedding

Breaking news: Primo and Karuna get married!

ITEM! Cousin John and Karuna got married this weekend! Gasp! Sources close to the jet-setting couple say the ceremony was a beautiful, East-meets-West affair at the Drake Hotel in Chicago. It wasn’t immediately clear why the Drake allowed Tedescos inside. But according to witnesses, the wedding was an amazing ceremony attended by friends, family, and…

Gigi the telemarketer

Gigi accused of high-pressure sales tactics in telemarketing scheme

WASHINGTON — The Federal Trade Commission accused Gigi Ramirez Tedesco, 5, of launching a nationwide telemarketing campaign that targeted uncles, grandparents, and other “soft targets” who were prone to believe her nefarious sales pitch. “Do you want to buy a coupon book?” Gigi asked one uncle in a recent dinner-time telemarketing call. “It only costs…

Jennifer and Baby Pete

Population of Tedesco family skyrocketing

SAN ANTONIO — The proliferation of Tedesco munchkins continued this week with the birth of baby Pete Tedesco, alarming federal officials who say cute Tedescos are spreading unchecked across the United States. “We have totally lost count of how many cute, cunning Tedesco babies are roaming around out there,” said Derek Martin, a statistician with…

Joe the Van Halen lover

Local man ruins jam session

DENVER, Colo. — A totally sweet jam session was ruined when guitarist Joe Tedesco accidentally missed a note in Eddie Van Halen’s solo “Eruption,” authorities announced today. Police said the unforgivable transgression occurred at the home of Joe’s brother, bassist Paul Tedesco. Fellow band members were mortified by the error, police said. “I can confirm…