Cole Lighter

Cole torn between Buzz Lightyear, Lightning McQueen

ANAHEIM, Calif. — In a heartbreaking scene at Disneyland today, Cole Ramirez Tedesco was torn between his two best friends forever — astronaut Buzz Lightyear and racing car Lightning McQueen. “Buzz and Lightning begged Cole to be his BFF,” Cole’s mother, Georgia, told reporters at a press conference today. “Cole wishes to inform the public…

Maddy's birthday party

Claim: Boys discussed at birthday party

PUEBLO, Colo — A birthday party for Maddy Tedesco, 10, was allegedly focused on top-secret talks about boys, sources told the Tedesco Times today. “I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard,” Maddy’s mother, Caitlin, told reporters at a press conference on the steps of City Hall. “The girls were all whispering and giggling and…

Joe the wine guy

Joe unveils pretentious wine phrases for 2009

DENVER — Wine visionary Joe Tedesco unveiled his latest batch of Orwellian comments that make people sound sophisticated while sipping wine. “My new 2009 guide of wine commentary will help anyone sound like a pretentious prick,” Joe proudly announced at a press conference today. “Use these sayings whenever you want to sound like you know…

Annie Tedesco

Cousin Anna stars in actual movie!

LOS ANGELES — Item! Annie Tedesco is starring in a real life movie! Unlike most Tedescos who seek fame and fortune on YouTube, Cousin Annie is starring in the independent film Suspension, which is now out on DVD! A reliable source at Blockbuster Video said Annie Tedesco has been featured in all kinds of commercials,…

Jennifer at Joe's crab shack

Crab injured at Joe’s Crab Shack

SAN ANTONIO — Customers at a crowded restaurant were stunned today after a man and woman brandished tiny forks and assaulted a defenseless crab. Police are searching for the suspects, Jennifer Hiller, 31, and John Tedesco, 29. The pair fled the scene with bits of crab shell and garlic butter on their hands, and they…

Paul's housing boom

Real estate values skyrocket in Paul’s backyard

DENVER — Real estate developer Paul Tedesco unveiled a new housing subdivision in his backyard today that he said will cater to the “high-end toddler market.” Dubbed “The Estates of Tedescoville,” the .1 acre, 2-story project boasts luxurious swing sets, an extravagant slide, and a roomy lookout tower to spot interloping adults, Paul announced at…